Tivo Alert

Tonight, The Office and My Name is Earl have their season premieres on NBC.

At the same time, Survivor is on CBS.

If you're like me, and you have Tivo, watch them both. If not, you have a Sophie's choice-like decision to make. My heart goes out to you.

In other TV news, did anyone check out Studio 60 on Monday? It's very good. Now I have another show to worry about.

I guess I have a finite amount of time to watch these things before the Wiggles and Spongebob take over our lives.

Pregnancy Update

Well, we've reached another milestone. Today, Mrs. Undaground is 36 weeks or officially 9 months pregnant.

Whatever she does in the next month should be carefully documented, so that someday she can tell stories ending with the phrase "when I was 9 months pregnant."

For instance...

"I went to a Santana concert when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I worked right up until my due date when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I went cliff-diving in Acapulco when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I kicked a 43-yard field goal when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I hunted and killed a wild boar when I was 9 months pregnant"

Our ultrasound has been moved to Friday afternoon. That's two more days for the baby to decide to turn around. Since I know he can hear sounds from the outside world, I've been speaking to Mrs. Undaground's belly. Last night, I promised him a pony for his fifth birthday if he gets in a head-down position before Friday. If not, he's getting socks and underwear. I hate to strong-arm the kid, but I haven't watched Supernanny for awhile so I've conveniently forgotten that you're not supposed to negotiate with them when they're this young.

Mrs. U is extremely uncomfortable these days. Her feet are swollen beyond belief. They look like flesh-colored clogs right now. The anxiety of labor is being overpowered by the desire to not be pregnant anymore. I guess that's how the circle of life works.

Speaking of the circle of life, I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do at the very moment when the baby is born. I'm not sure if the nurses will allow this, but I'd like to hold him over my head proudly on top of a scenic mountain overlook while Elton John sings... like they did in the Lion King. Anybody know of any scenic mountain overlooks in South Florida? I think the closest thing might be the balcony at the movie theater. Then again, I've always complained about babies in movie theaters. See, fatherhood is already changing me.

Seuss Nursery: Why stay cooped up in the womb, when you can chill out in your room?

(click image for larger view)

Good Monday Morning

Woo-hoo. The nursery is officially done... Photos coming to the Undaground tomorrow.

Mrs. U and I took the opportunity this weekend to eat dinner out on Friday and Saturday. We also went to a movie on Saturday and had breakfast out on Sunday. This is the phase where we're getting all this stuff out of our system.

Lamaze #2 is tonight. I hope that she ends on time, because the Steelers are playing Monday Night Football. Tivo is a man's best friend, though.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday to figure out which way the baby's facing. Right now, we think he's sideways. Wednesday will be 36 weeks, so he still has time to get in the proper position. I read on the internet that playing music and shining a light near Mrs. Undaground's "pelvic bone" might lure the baby to the head-down position. I'm currently scanning the trade magazines for a lighting expert and a sound engineer. No luck yet, but stay tuned. We're still planning to go to the Santana concert on Sept 28, so maybe they'll let us sit on the roof of the ampitheater.

Oh, the movie was "The Last Kiss" starring Zach Braff and I recommend it.

And the beat goes on...

I hope you all had a chance to watch some of the carnage on ESPN last night. My neck hurts this morning and I think it's from watching Steve Slaton run up and down the field.

It's a wonderful time to be a Mountaineer.

As for Survivor, it is resting comfortably on my Tivo and we will watch it this weekend.

Television News

I have many important television news items to pass along. Premiere week is upon us, so get your Tivo's fired up.

1. Survivor starts Thursday night. Teams will be divided by race this year. I've decided I'm rooting for the Hispanic team, because my Hips Don't Lie.

2. Very exciting news... Little People, Big World is returning for a second season on TLC. If you know me, you know I have a great appreciation for little people and I actively support the LPA - Little People of America, although technically I'm 18 inches too tall to become a member of their organization. More info on the show's return here.

3. Rock Star: Supernova season finale is tonight. I think I want Magni to win, but it doesn't matter much. I don't see myself buying their music, but I do enjoy the show. Apparently, Supernova will not be Supernova. They need a new name. Read about that here.

4. NBC has football again, and the theme song rocks. Wanna know why? Because it's composed by John Williams. Cool article on John Williams here.

5. Speaking of football, tape Survivor on Thursday night and watch the Mountaineers take on the Maryland Terrapins. Kickoff is at 7:45pm on ESPN.

The Under-Appreciated Art of Breathing

Last night, Mrs. U and I had our first Lamaze class.

Before I tell you about our passive aggressive Lamaze teacher, let me share some incredible knowledge I picked up last night. I've put some of the trickier terms in bold so you can look them up later if I move too fast.

When you breathe in and fill your lungs with air, this is called inhaling.

When you expel that air from your lungs by breathing out, this is called exhaling.

I may not have absorbed and remembered all of this info if our teacher didn't take 30 minutes to explain this difficult concept to us. I've found that life is already so much easier now that I'm armed with this important information. Turns out, sometimes I would inhale twice in a row without exhaling. That's hard to do, unless you're a circus performer or you're in a reggae band. Other times, I would exhale twice while forgetting to inhale. Now that I know what I was doing wrong, I suspect that I'll be wheezing a lot less.

Mrs. Undaground did learn some good information about positioning herself for maximum comfort during labor. I learned how to rub her back in front of a room full of people while she assumes these positions.

The class was supposed to run from 7pm to 9pm (3 Monday nights in a row). Well, when we got there, the doctors were having a meeting in the Lamaze class room. So, we waited, and waited, and eventually the room was seized by a stampede of impatient pregnant women and their backrubbing partners. Once the class actually began at about 730pm, the teacher said she would shorten her lesson so that we'd finish on time.

I guess she really inspired herself, because somewhere in the middle of her inhaling and exhaling lecture, she decided to scrap that plan and just give us the director's cut, unedited, full 2-hour version, unbeknownst to us.

At 9pm, as people started quietly gathering their chattle to prepare for their exit, she began launching into our next exercise, which was extremely similar to the previous exercise. One Lamaze partner in the class asked, "Umm, so what time are we getting out of here?". This was apparently all it took for the battle of wills to begin.

"9:30", the teacher said proudly. She had more to tell us, and it couldn't wait til next week, or the week after.

I guess sometime between 9 and 930, Lamaze teacher decided that she was bothered by the man's question, because 930 came and she pressed on. The non-verbal cues in the room from each and every couple for her to stop were so strong that I felt like I was on the floor of the stock exchange for a moment.

Finally, at 9:40, she popped the last 1970's birth film into the VCR. We watched as "Carl" helped his wife through labor. Then, we saw what they don't show you on TLC. The one thing Mrs. U and I both took from the film is that if you feather your hair and wear polyester, labor becomes a little easier for some cosmic reason. Seriously, could somebody update those films? The children being born in them are probably going through menopause now. Are you telling me that nothing has changed in 30 years?

At about 9:45, Lamaze teacher opened it up for questions..... again. One teacher's pet asked a question as a collective groan of Monday Night Football fans hovered over the room.

Eventually, we were on our way home, where we fell right asleep and now here I am at work again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some homework to do. I'm trying to practice the inhale/exhale thing to the point where I can do it without thinking about it. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, inhale, inhale, COUGH, COUGH, Oops. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

Never forget

The Champ is Here!

Ahhh, the morning traffic is always a little less annoying after a big victory.

Happy Friday. Mrs. U and I have a big weekend planned: more nursery painting on Saturday, college football at a sports bar on Saturday night (guess who's driving), and fondue restaurant (the Melting Pot) on Sunday night.

Hormones

I've watched a lot of movies and heard many anecdotes about when a woman goes into labor.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!"

"C'mon honey, we can do this."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE"? YOU BASTARD!!!"

Honestly, I've never seen my wife even approach this level of angry intensity, but I'm told this type of thing happens very regularly. I'm ready for it, and I won't be surprised if we share this very exchange, but I still can't picture it.

There's a girl at work whose due date is one week before Mrs. U's. She's always been a very calm, quiet girl, as far as I know. The other day, I was walking through the office when, out of nowhere, she grabbed my arm.

Startled, I looked to see who was grabbing me, when a saw a set of angry, red eyes glaring back at me. She was breathing heavily through her nose, not unlike El Toro. Apparently, the fact that she was pregnant, and that I, as a man, had recently impregnated somebody also, was enough to make me a target. I felt like a scared matador, wrapped in a big comfy red blanket. Then, she spoke.

"IF YOUR WIFE FEELS ANYTHING LIKE ME... YOU BETTER KISS HER ASS!!!"

And just like that, she was gone.

I appreciate good advice and have decided to set into motion "Operation Kiss-her-ass". So, tonight as I watch the Pittsburgh Steelers opening game, instead of reaching for the beer and chips, I will probably reach for the two swollen feet on the other end of the couch... and I shall rub them vigorously.

Go Steelers.

Looks a lot like the first trimester

Waiters who are nauseated by food.

Enjoy this clip featuring Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. It's from the short-lived
Dana Carvey show.

Weekend in Review

1. To show further proof that I love my wife more than football, I want to say this first: Happy Birthday Mrs. Undaground. Her birthday was actually Sunday, but we will continue to celebrate throughout the week, culminating in a trip to the Melting Pot this weekend for some delicious meats and cheese, fondue-style. Mrs. U is the proud new owner of "Oprah's Favorite Robe", available online. I trust Oprah, so I'm hoping the robe keeps its super-soft texture through her entire maternity leave. I got her a pair of slipper from the same company, but no mention of Oprah. Perhaps Oprah has some other favorite slippers that I'm unaware of.

2. WVU disposed of in-state stepbrother Marshall in impressive fashion. 42-10 for any of you who are keeping count. This week, it's Division I-AA powerhouse Eastern Washington. Thanks again to the Sarasota Mountaineer fan club for a good time on Saturday. To cap off a glorious college football weekend, the Miami Hurricanes lost last night. That ranks just behind a WVU win when it comes to making me happy.

3. Of course, it couldn't be a perfect football weekend. Despite a stellar live fantasy football draft featuring much fried food and beer in Sarasota, there was some bad news. Ben Roethlisberger is out for the season opener because he had emergency surgery to remove his appendix. And yes, I just typed "emergency surgery to remove his appendix" to avoid trying to spell "appendectomy". Although now that I look back, I think I spelled it correctly.

4. RIP. Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. What a shame. I have enjoyed many hours of entertainment on Discovery Channel and Animal Planet thanks to him over the years, and now he's gone. I'm sure he will live on in reruns and someday my little boy will jump on our cat and say "Crikey", but the world of dangerous animal entertainment has lost a shining star.

Nothing to see here

Ernesto was a dud. I can't complain. Turns out it's just a rainy, windy day. We're going to leave the plywood up for a few days just in case something else develops. In the meantime, I have some Tivo material to catch up on and some patio furniture to return to its usual place.

Most overheard cliches yesterday:

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Don't let your guard down.

Most overheard cliches today:

Better safe than sorry.

It is what it is.

We dodged a bullet.

Ernesto Blows

The Undaground blog posts may be erratic for a few days as we try to fend off a tropical storm/hurricane. Check back for updates.

Our windows are covered with plywood, the yard is cleared of all debris, the patio furniture is inside, and the flashlight and mini-tv batteries are fresh. Mrs. U has canned goods stocked up and is getting more propane today. A generator is on the way and we have 10 gallons of gas to power the fan, fridge, lamps and tv. Mrs. U will decide where to go for the storm depending on forecast. Our home is safe, but she's been invited to a few different places to ride it out with others. I'm at work for at least the next 36 hours with airbed, body pillow and toiletries. It takes us hours in Home Depot to decide on a paint color, but we've gotten pretty efficient at preparing for a storm.

Screw you Ernesto,
and Wilma,
and Jeanne,
and Frances.

Anxiously awaiting our next insurance premium hike,

The Undaground

Happy Friday

Survivor
Have you seen the news about the next Survivor? Apparently, they're breaking up the four teams based on race. Some say this means Survivor has jumped the shark. Personally, I don't care, and will watch whatever crap Survivor puts on TV. I'm an addict, and have not yet entered recovery. Survivor starts in September, and you will see the occasional Haiku celebrating the show right here on the Undaground.

Double Dipping
Apparently, my dog has been leading a secret life... as a freaking cat. This morning, I caught her standing on her hind legs, eating out of our cats' bowls. I've moved the bowls out of reach, but I'd really like to find a way to stop this behavior and keep the bowls in their traditional spot. I might need the dog whisperer for this one. The only solution I can come up with is to treat her as I would treat a cat, and act like I'm allergic to her. Given the number of times she's walked into the sliding glass door accidentally, I'm not sure she'll be able to wrap her brain around that technique.

Pregnancy Update
54 days til due date. Mrs. Undaground's second and final baby shower is tomorrow. Our house is quickly filling up with baby stuff. For a 7 or 8 pound creature, they sure do have a lot of "gear".

As for the Seuss room, Hop on Pop, The Cat in the Hat, and Green Eggs and Ham are all complete. I'm now working on Horton. It looks awesome, if I do say so myself, but I am already trying to think of excuses to give our second child someday as to why his/her room doesn't quite rock as much as their older brother's did. This is why middle child syndrome exists. It's already begun in our little family, and the first hasn't even been born yet.

A Little Experiment

Let's see if this works...

This is my first attempt to post a video on the blog. This is a video called "Troops" that is obviously a parody of "Cops".

Do you feel old?

Each year, a group of Wisconsin professors puts out a list. It is a tool for them to better understand the incoming college freshmen. This year's crop was born in 1988 (one year before my hs graduation). Here's the list:


BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST® FOR THE CLASS OF 2010
Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.

1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.

2. They have known only two presidents.

3. For most of their lives, major U.S. airlines have been bankrupt.

4. Manuel Noriega has always been in jail in the U.S.

5. They have grown up getting lost in "big boxes."

6. There has always been only one Germany.

7. They have never heard anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register.

8. They are wireless, yet always connected.

9. A stained blue dress is as famous to their generation as a third-rate burglary was to their parents'.

10. Thanks to pervasive headphones in the back seat, parents have always been able to speak freely in the front.

11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.

12. Smoking has never been permitted on U.S. airlines.

13. Faux fur has always been a necessary element of style.

14. The Moral Majority has never needed an organization.

15. They have never had to distinguish between the St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football teams.

16. DNA fingerprinting has always been admissible evidence in court.

17. They grew up pushing their own miniature shopping carts in the supermarket.

18. They grew up with and have outgrown faxing as a means of communication.

19. "Google" has always been a verb.

20. Text messaging is their email.

21. Milli Vanilli has never had anything to say.

22. Mr. Rogers, not Walter Cronkite, has always been the most trusted man in America.

23. Bar codes have always been on everything, from library cards and snail mail to retail items.

24. Madden has always been a game, not a Superbowl-winning coach.

25. Phantom of the Opera has always been on Broadway.

26. "Boogers" candy has always been a favorite for grossing out parents.

27. There has never been a "skyhook" in the NBA.

28. Carbon copies are oddities found in their grandparents' attics.

29. Computerized player pianos have always been tinkling in the lobby.

30. Non-denominational mega-churches have always been the fastest growing religious organizations in the U.S.

31. They grew up in mini-vans.

32. Reality shows have always been on television.

33. They have no idea why we needed to ask "...can we all get along?"

34. They have always known that "In the criminal justice system the people have been represented by two separate yet equally important groups."

35. Young women's fashions have never been concerned with where the waist is.

36 They have rarely mailed anything using a stamp.

37. Brides have always worn white for a first, second, or third wedding.

38. Being techno-savvy has always been inversely proportional to age.

39. "So" as in "Sooooo New York," has always been a drawn-out adjective modifying a proper noun, which in turn modifies something else

40. Affluent troubled teens in Southern California have always been the subjects of television series.

41. They have always been able to watch wars and revolutions live on television.

42. Ken Burns has always been producing very long documentaries on PBS.

43. They are not aware that "flock of seagulls hair" has nothing to do with birds flying into it.

44. Retin-A has always made America look less wrinkled.

45. Green tea has always been marketed for health purposes.

46. Public school officials have always had the right to censor school newspapers.

47. Small white holiday lights have always been in style.

48. Most of them never had the chance to eat bad airline food.

49. They have always been searching for "Waldo."

50. The really rich have regularly expressed exuberance with outlandish birthday parties.

51. Michael Moore has always been showing up uninvited.

52. They never played the game of state license plates in the car.

53. They have always preferred going out in groups as opposed to dating.

54. There have always been live organ donors.

55. They have always had access to their own credit cards.

56. They have never put their money in a "Savings & Loan."

57. Sara Lee has always made underwear.

58. Bad behavior has always been getting captured on amateur videos.

59. Disneyland has always been in Europe and Asia.

60. They never saw Bernard Shaw on CNN.

61. Beach volleyball has always been a recognized sport.

62. Acura, Lexus, and Infiniti have always been luxury cars of choice.

63. Television stations have never concluded the broadcast day with the national anthem.

64. LoJack transmitters have always been finding lost cars.

65. Diane Sawyer has always been live in Prime Time.

66. Dolphin-free canned tuna has always been on sale.

67. Disposable contact lenses have always been available.

68. "Outing" has always been a threat.

69. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss has always been the perfect graduation gift.

70. They have always "dissed" what they don't like.

71. The U.S. has always been studying global warming to confirm its existence.

72. Richard M. Daley has always been the Mayor of Chicago.

73. They grew up with virtual pets to feed, water, and play games with, lest they die.

74. Ringo Starr has always been clean and sober.

75. Professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics.

New Motivation

So, I'm still holding steady at 7 pounds lost since SlimFast. In the past two weeks, my weight has stayed the same. I guess the strategy of eating whatever the hell I want on weekends is balancing out the rest of the week.

Yesterday, I worked a night shift at work because of a personnel shortage. I saw a guy that I haven't seen in a few months. He used to be 400 pounds, and then he had the stomach stapling thing. Well, he officially weighs less than me now. I guess I'll try to pass him again.

The other idea I got from looking at him, is that I'm going to tell people I've lost 170 pounds and I have just 15 more to go. That should help.

i see drunk people...

If I had Bruce Willis' corpse following me around all the time, I'd drink too.

Oh my...

In related news, we've just been given several boxes of baby clothes, courtesy of Mrs. U's sister. This is very generous and I'm glad our child will have one outfit for every day of his first year (with no repeats).

However, there are 3 or 4 Florida Gators outfits in the mix. That's nice, because my wife is a Florida Gator, but I need to give the child a chance to be a Mountaineer. No doubt, he'll become a bigger fan of WVU than Florida someday (because Daddy's in a much better mood when the Mountaineers win).

So, if you see any awesome Mountaineer baby gear, send me an email. I've scoured the internet and have found some stuff, but I'm not blown away by anything just yet.

Would the Nurses Even Allow This?

These are exciting times. I forget what it was like before we were talking baby all the time. Between trips to the nursery to paint the latest layer on my Seuss project, I like to engage my wife in some healthy conversation about the birth of our child. Some conversations go better than others. This is one of the "others".

"Mrs. Undaground, I think it will be great to have both of our Mom's here when the baby's born."

"Me too."

"My mom can cook us food. Your Mom can help clean. You and I can really focus on taking care of the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby, me watching you change the baby, staring at the baby, and teaching him how to hit a curveball."

"Right."

"Seriously, our Moms here will be great for us, because you and I are both going to be very tired and sore after going through childbirth."

"YOU are going to be sore???"

"Well, you saw the chairs that new Dads have to sleep in. They're tiny. I'm a large man."

"So you're gonna be sore?"

"Well, not necessarily."

"That's what I thought."

"I could probably get through it a lot easier. Here's my idea. Are you ready for it?"

"Go ahead. I'm listening."

"After the baby's born, and we're in the post-partum recovery room, and everything calms down... Maybe you should take the chair and I'll take the hospital bed. You know, so we're not both sore."

That was the end of this particular conversation.

Sneak Peek

Hop on Pop is done (good riddance). I'm now moving on to Cat in the Hat. If you look closely on the left side of the photo below, you can see the outline for where it will be.

After all this painting, if this kid ever puts me in a nursing home I'll be pissed.

(click photo for larger view)

I don't want my MTV

First Nick and Jessica, then Carmen and Dave, now the Barkers.

It seems that starring in a reality show about your show-biz marriage on MTV eventually leads to divorce. I guess Ozzy should watch his back.

Mrs. Undaground and I have decided not to do any MTV reality show if offered. While our union would no doubt be fun reality television, it's just not worth the marital strain that being followed around by cameras would cause.

For now, our "episodes" will remain exclusively on the Undaground blog.

Honestly, for as much as I enjoy reality television, there's not a show that I would agree to be on. Years ago, there was a show called "The Mole" hosted by Anderson Cooper. I think I would have done the Mole, but I don't think that show's coming back. Mrs. U and I on Amazing Race would be a disaster. She's afraid of heights and our collective sense of direction is not unlike a shopping cart with 3 wheels. No thanks to any reality shows for me. I'd rather watch other people be humiliated for my viewing pleasure.

Hop on Pop

Obviously, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a serious problem for many people, but I believe most people exhibit some qualities of obsessive compulsive behavior. I am one of these people.

When I cook a frozen pizza, it's very important that I take the little bits of cold pepperoni and distribute them as evenly as possible. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm guessing a professional psychologist would point to something in my childhood and then bill me for an hour and ask me for a slice.

At times, I've pulled over to the side of the road to make sure that I screwed the gas cap back on. I can't explain why I do this. I've never actually forgotten to put the cap on, so I'm not sure why I'd start now.

This occasional behavior is making the Seuss nursery a little more difficult than I originally imagined. I'm currently working on the first part of my wall mural, the Hop on Pop illustration. Years ago, Dr. Seuss himself probably took a notebook and scribbled the picture in a matter of minutes. Now, as I put the image on the wall, I'm being a little too exact in recreating the same little nuances in his original creation. It's as if a Dr. Seuss descendant is going to bust into our house like some sort of SWAT team member and tell me that Pop's hair is not quite right, and we'll have to forfeit all of our books. When I step back from the wall and look at the picture, it's impossible to even see the tiny little details that I'm painstakingly trying to make perfect.

I guess that I can explain it as being a perfectionist, rather than being obsessive compulsive. In a way, it's a good thing, and I know that the Undaling will someday appreciate the love and care that we're putting into his room. When we're finished, I know it is something we'll be proud of. Maybe everybody needs a little OCD.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's 9:21 am. That means I need to count to three hundred while jumping on one foot. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.....................

Summer Tour 2006

Tonight begins our summer concert tour of 2006. We figure that movies and concerts will be the two things we'll definitely be doing less of, once the Undaling is here, so we're going to try to get the concert-thing out of our system for awhile.

Tonight, it's Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.

Friday night, we're going to see Dave Matthews Band.

At the end of the month, we've got tickets for Counting Crows.

Finally, in September, a very-pregnant Mrs. U and I will attend Santana with Los Lonely Boys.

John Mayer/Sheryl Crow and Rusted Root are both scheduled to be here in late September/mid-October, but I don't think we'll be able to go for fear that the groovy bass sounds could induce labor. Oh well, I'm helplessly hoping we'll have a good time tonight.

Just about every other thing we do socially, we can include a baby. These baby-friendly things include Chili's, the Olive Garden, Babies-R-Us, the mall, various festivals, and, of course, cliff diving.

Good Monday Morning

Girth Update
After 2 weeks on Slimfast diet and weekend binging, I've decided to continue to process and make it a lifestyle change.

I've now lost 7 pounds in two weeks. I still have 8 pounds to get to my pre-pregnancy weight (and then another 20 or so to get to where I want to be).

Eat less calories than you burn. It all seems so simple now, except when I'm sitting in the Olive Garden.

Baby Latest
72 days til due-date. I'm waiting on UPS delivery of the overhead projector so I can start putting Seuss characters on the wall. That should begin sometime this week.

Last night, we had our hospital tour. There were about ten very pregnant women and their significant others on the tour.

Here are some things we learned on the tour:

• The cafeteria food should only be eaten in an extreme emergency. The nurses have a "takeout menu folder" that we can use, but if we don't return it, they keep the baby.
• Some rooms have pullout chairs and some have other types of furniture, but either way, Dads will be very uncomfortable when they sleep. Oh, and bring our own pillows.
• When we move from Labor and Delivery to Postpartum room, they put a GPS Lojack type thing on the baby's ankle. This is very cool, but it dampers my plan to take him to the zoo while Mrs. Undaground recuperates.
• When on a tour with 10 pregnant women, expect to take a bathroom break once every 4 1/2 minutes.

Mrs. Undaground says the experience was supposed to make her less nervous. Somehow, it had the opposite effect and she is more nervous now. I told her I'd make her a "Childbirth Mix" on the iPod and this seemed to put her mind at ease a little bit. If you have any song suggestions for this mix, please COMMENT. So far, the only song I've picked for it is "Push it" by Salt n Pepa.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yo baby pop,
Yeah, you. Come and give me a kiss.
Better make it fast, or else I'm gonna get pissed.
Can't you feel the music pumpin' hard,
Like I wish you would.
Now PUSH IT. Push it good."

Early to Rise

I've watched a lot of TLC in the past 29 1/2 weeks. I know more than any man should know about breastfeeding, and epidurals, and jaundice.

I've also read a great deal of material about how our baby is growing and what changes are occurring in my wife.

I'm a very involved father-to-be.

For as much TLC as I've seen and as many books as I've read, there are still a few little golden moments of discovery, like this morning.

I woke up at 630am for work and realized my wife was gone. What has happened here? Was she out on the couch? Is it the snoring again? I walked into the living room, expecting to see her sleeping peacefully. Nope. Maybe she's eating breakfast. No sign of her there. Perhaps she's on the computer, catching up on The Undaground. Negative.

As I walked back through the kitchen, bleary-eyed and confused, I saw a figure through the window in my peripheral vision. Sure enough, as the sun struggled to peek over the horizon, there she was, pruning the bushes in the backyard.

I stepped outside and, in lieu of a perfectly-timed comedic quip, asked "Gardening, huh?"

"I couldn't sleep."

Fair enough. I didn't know what to say. It takes a lot to surprise me, but this worked. Dumbfounded, I said the most husbandly, supportive thing I could think of:

"Don't overdo it."

Maybe the author of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" should add a section to Week 29 about pruning at daybreak. It happens. I've seen it.

Phew!

According to the latest tracking map, issued at 8am, we seem to have dodged our first hurricane scare of the season.

Good news, as we're really not in the mood for a hurricane right now, and our foliage has only just recently grown back from the Wilma damage (though our carport remains without a roof).

Stay tuned.

Kitchen Music

I'm a musical person.

Sometimes, when my wife is cooking me dinner, or brushing her hair, or just being herself, I sing her an impromtu song about how much I love her and how she's the best wife I ever had.

The other night, she decided to add shredded cheese as an extra ingredient to a casserole she was making. She made this decision and announced it just as I was completing the first verse of my song to her.

I think it might have been the Slimfast diet talking, but my song suddenly changed into a little ditty about how much I love cheese.

I want my wife to know that I love her more than cheese, despite the suddenly changing lyrics of my song to her. It was not unlike a Meatloaf song, where he starts singing about being parked in a car with his best girl and, out of nowhere, we hear Phil Rizzuto shouting out baseball play-by-play.

Mmmmm. Meatloaf.

The Undaground Review: Superman Returns

Warning: This review contains spoilers. Actually, I don't think it will spoil the movie for you, because my blog features only very minimal special effects, but I am giving away information about the film that is integral to the plot. If you don't want to see it, don't scroll down.

To take up some space, here is a photo of a man enjoying some pie:

So, last Friday, Mrs. Undaground and I decided to see "Superman Returns". I think the highlight for me was the popcorn. After stepping on the scale and seeing that I had lost four pounds, I figured I would have whatever I want. The guy stopped filling the bag of popcorn halfway through to add quite a bit of butter. Then, after it was topped off, he once again stood over the butter pump and let it fly. It was glorious.

As far as the movie is concerned, here are my thoughts:

• Brandon Routh is not Christopher Reeve. He had very few lines in this movie, considering he was the star. The thing about Christoper Reeve as Superman is that he did a very good job of acting like Superman and Clark Kent were two different people. The new guy does a decent job, but the only difference between the hero and the alter-ego is the glasses. The clumsy, comical Clark Kent portrayal is pretty much gone. RIP Christopher Reeve.
• The special effects in the film were awesome. It's worth seeing in the theater for that reason alone, unless you have a huge TV and very good surround sound. Be careful if you're pregnant. The Undaling was responding to several of the loud, sudden sounds in the movie.
• Here's the spoiler, although if you don't see it coming from the very beginning of the movie, maybe you should quit going to movies all together. Superman and Lois Lane have a son. I can't understand why Superman's son had asthma. I guess it's because health complications are possible when someone from Krypton mates with someone from Earth, but this was unexplained. I think any pediatrician who examined the boy long enough to prescribe him an inhaler, should have picked up on the fact that the boy had the ability to throw a piano across the room. If I were Lois Lane, I would shop around for another doctor.
• At another point in the movie, Superman is stabbed with a Kryponite shiv and ends up in.... are you ready for this... the hospital! Apparently, Superman has good health insurance because they admitted him immediately without any talk of transferring him to another hospital. I've heard through the grapevine that Wonder Woman has a crappy HMO.
• I'm a fan of Kevin Spacey. He was very good at times in this movie, particularly when he was attacking Superman. I wish he would have channeled the "Swimming With Sharks" character for the whole movie. I like his portrayal of the angry Lex Luther.
• I'm still troubled by the whole deal with Lois Lane's new husband. They made him very likeable. As an audience member, I had no reason not to like him. He seemed like a good husband and father. This was only a problem when they showed Lois Lane kiss Superman. I consider that cheating. The poor guy is just trying to make a life for himself when all the sudden, some weirdo in tights shows up and his wife becomes distant. She really should have shown a little more self control, or the writers should have made us dislike her husband.
• And as for Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane... meh. Lois Lane is supposed to have attitude. I think she was lacking a bit of that.
• I wish that at some point, somebody would figure out that Clark Kent was gone for 5 years. Superman was gone for 5 years. Maybe, Clark Kent = Superman. Nope. A room full of journalists assigned to cover every aspect of the story couldn't put that together. Maybe next movie.
• As somebody mentioned in Comments, Superman no longer stands for the "American way", just truth and justice. This is not a huge deal in the movie. I just took that to mean that if Superman wanted a cup of coffee, he'd fly to Columbia or something rather than walk to Starbucks.
• There are some serious cases of religious imagery, though. He is referred to as a "savior" a few times in the movie. His father says he sent his only son to help the people of Earth. Finally, when he's falling to Earth, I don't think it's a mistake that his arms are stretched out as if he's hung on a cross.

My recommendation is to see the movie if you like superhero movies. It's as good as Spiderman. The special effects are as good as any movie. As far as the story is concerned, it pales in comparison to Batman Begins, but it's worth seeing, especially if you order the popcorn with hot butter.

Nursery Zen

'Tis Monday so I shall wax philosophical.

This weekend, Mrs. Undaground and I worked diligently to begin putting the Undaling's nursery together. We painted the room in two colors: green on top and yellow on the bottom. The colors are separated by a light blue wallpaper border. The furniture is assembled and placed in the most aesthetically pleasing way. The characters will soon adorn the walls, but that will be a process that takes several weeks.

As I sit here and type, my back is killing me. I'm extremely tired and could use a nap. While we're proud of our effort to this point, we know there is still a lot of work to do, and hope than the decisions we make in the room are good ones. Picking the wrong character could alter the tone of the whole room.

This weekend was a lesson in patience, and, now that I think about it, a good metaphor for our task that will begin in about 79 days.

After bending for what seemed like forever to paint the bottom half of the walls yellow, we realized that one coat wasn't going to cut it. Despite our fatigue and our shared back pain, we pressed on and added a second coat. Sure, furniture would cover most of the area we were concerned about, but we know the walls are better for it. I know there will be times when we will want to take the easy way out in our parenting, but we can remember the time we put a second coat of yellow on his walls and know that our extra effort will make a big difference.

Assembling the crib was something I thought would be quick and easy. Unfortunately, all of my nice Home Depot tools were useless because of the way the crib was built. In order to properly tighten the screws, I had to lay down on the floor with a tiny allen wrench and turn the screw 1/2 turn at a time. It was maddening. My wife did her best to hold the pieces of wood together for me as I muttered words I didn't know existed. Eventually, I slowed down, and enjoyed the music piping through our house as I started to methodically turn the screw 1/2 turn over and over and over again. Soon, the pieces of wood were flush against each other and we had assembled a sturdy shelter for our child to sleep in. Patience is something I'm going to need to get better at, in a hurry. My wife could be a member of the patience hall of fame, so I will learn from her.

Finally, as we worked together to slowly force every last air bubble out of the wallpaper border, I realized that soon we will be working together to coax air bubbles out of the Undaling. Who knew that hanging wallpaper would be such a lesson in child-rearing? Burp.

Right now, the nursery looks awesome. It's exciting to know that it will only get better once the Seuss characters are painted. I'll put up pictures once the entire room is ready for baby.

I'll post my Superman review tomorrow, based on the excitement over the film on the comments page.

Hooky

I decided to take the day off today so we could get an early jump on painting the nursery.

The furniture is out of the room.
The room is taped off.
The walls have been primed.

All of my painting goals have been reached for today. Now, on to my personal goals:

See Superman
Eat a meal at a restaurant

By the way, I've lost about 4 pounds since Sunday by eating less calories than I burn and riding the bike. I've calculated that I can go to Chili's today and split the teriyaki wings with my wife, eat a cheeseburger, and enjoy two beers. Even then, I'll still be eating less calories than I burn. Here's a website where you can see calorie content at popular restaurants.

Pregnancy Update: 28 weeks

Mrs. U was 28 weeks yesterday. 12 weeks to go! 83 days til the due date.

I'm pleased to announce that I've been signed up for:

• A hospital tour
• A 3-week Lamaze class
• An infant safety/CPR class

I was never a big classroom guy. I liked to get the notes and cram for the test. I guess I can't get away with that in this situation. I feel that I can be a very effective Lamaze coach. I coached little league way back in the day. If nothing else, I can repeat the phrases "Wait for your pitch" and "Keep it in front of you".

Thankfully, I've been spared from the breastfeeding class. Mrs. Undaground asked them if it was necessary for me to attend, and they said no, not unless I started lactating. (I would probably call the media first if I did).

A few years ago, some good friends of ours were pregnant, and my friend Dave did attend the breastfeeding class with his wife. For some reason, this struck us both funny at the time and we giggled like a couple of 5th graders. I wanted to know which of the three possible scenarios played out in the class demonstration:

1. Plastic boob and plastic baby

2. Plastic boob and real baby

3. Real boob and real baby

It turned out, for the record, that it was a plastic boob and plastic baby. There was, however, a video shown featuring the real thing. I think I'll see plenty of that beginning in October. My wife has assured me that she won't be a public, if-your-face, look-at-these breastfeeder. That's a good thing because I don't really have the energy to collect a cover charge and a two-drink minimum from everybody who comes to visit.

In the news

Lance Bass, formerly of Nsync, has revealed to People Magazine that he's gay.

In other news, scientists have confirmed the presence of life on Earth, and doctors have announced that hitting yourself in the head with a tire iron can be hazardous to your health.

The Rapidly Shrinking Man

Well, not quite, but I'm trying.

The Slimfast thing isn't so bad. I'm actually eating more often than I was before. I'm just taking Oprah's advice about "portion control".

Here's what I eat, for those of you who have a pregnant wife and have gained 15 or more pounds since conception (or if you're just curious).

Breakfast: Slimfast Optima Shake (these aren't so bad, but you have to chill them very cold and drink them before they get to room temperature - kind of like Jagermeister).

Snack: 125 calories. This translates as a cup of grapes or cherries, an ounce of pretzels or a Slimfast snack bar (these are pretty good. There's one that tastes like a 5th Avenue candy bar).

Lunch: Slimfast Optima Shake, 6 oz fat-free yogurt, cup of cherries or grapes.

Snack: 125 calories.

EXERCISE BIKE for 20-30 minutes at vigorous pace (that's supposed to burn somewhere btwn 300 and 400 calories according to my research).

Dinner: 500 calories of whatever. Here's where I'm not really counting calories. I'm just trying to avoid huge portions of mayo, sour cream, cheese, etc.

Snack: 125 calories. Dessert. We found some fruit bars that are 50 calories. They seem to be fine, but I will miss the ice cream and occasionally send it a card or a letter on nice stationary.

Right now, my danger zone is from the time I get home from work until bedtime. That's where the weight gain has occured. For the next few days, my will power will be tested during this time. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sprint to the bathroom.

Monday

Slimfast
I had my first "healthy shake" for breakfast. I don't normally eat breakfast, so I hope my body doesn't think it's being attacked. I don't think I've lost any weight yet. Maybe I need to be more patient. My mother sent me an email and warned me to stay near a bathroom if I'm doing the Slimfast. I'm not sure what she means, but I guess I'll find out. If I do find out, I'll probably keep that information to myself.

Beach Bum
I spent some time on the beach this weekend. I think it's the first time since my honeymoon that I sunbathed on a beach. SPF 15 worked pretty well, but I missed a spot on my belly. I didn't realize you can get sunburn in your belly button. It's true.

Crab Legs
Cooking tip. If you steam crab legs on your grill in the backyard, don't forget to turn off the side burner, burn off all the water, and scorch the stock pot and the crab legs. The odor is pretty strong. The first batch was great. The second batch might start a neighborhood stink war.

The Man in the Mirror

To quote the King of Pop:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Ooh!)
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make a change
(Take a look at yourself and then make a change)

I walked by a mirror the other day. I'm not talking about the kind of mirror that sits above the sink, showcasing the face and the hair. I'm talking about the full-length wall mirror near our living room. Yes, I walk past this mirror just about every day, but this time was different. I got home from my softball game and Mrs. Undaground was out of the house. I had worked up a pretty good sweat, so I thought I'd throw all my clothes right in the washing machine and do the nude sprint across the house to get to the shower. As I passed the mirror, I thought for a moment that some naked fat guy was chasing me, until I came to the sick realization that I was that guy. That moment may have changed my life. The man in the mirror is quickly turning into the "before" picture in any bowflex infomercial.

A few days later, I walked next door to the cafeteria for my lunch break. To be fair, I only go there about once a week. The woman behind the counter smiled and said, "Hi. Would you like your usual..." Then she went on to name a dish that is anything but healthy. My ears hurt from hearing it. How I wanted Superman to fly around the world and turn back time so I could tell this woman that my "usual" is field greens with balsamic vinagrette on the side. I could feel the eyes in the cafeteria fixed on me and judging me, wondering who is the farm animal who had the cajones to allow this delicious, yet deadly dish to be referred to as "his usual".

I have been proudly pronouncing that I'm trying to keep up with Mrs. Undaground for the past few months. I've been like some junk food cheerleader. Last week, she even told me that I was a bad influence on her as far as the food thing is concerned. And, believe me, I have been. I've been milking this thing as much as I can. We've watched our bellies grow together. I guess the one minor difference in this whole equation is that I don't have another human being growing inside of me, unless we've made some kind of genetic breakthrough I'm unaware of and we're having fraternal twins.

I believe that because of the fat guy in the mirror and my public embarrassment in the cafeteria, I've now reached the level of shame necessary for me to have a healthy shake for breakfast, and another for lunch. That's right. Beginning Monday, I'm on the SlimFast diet. I can't hold out til the baby's born. I may reach the point of no return if I stay on this road.

My belly has gone from a distinguished beer gut, to a manageable paunch, to the present situation, that can best be described as "cartoonish". I can no longer sit in idle as buttons pop off of my pants. One too many t-shirts now sit in the useless pile that can't be worn in public. The belly-shelf is growing. From a sitting position, I can now use the belly-shelf to hold the remote control, a glass of water, and an Armenian orphan on a tricycle. It's time to make a change.

I've said this before, and look where I am. Who knows, I think I'm serious this time. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to manage this growth before it gets out of control. I've accepted the fact that I'll never see my abdominal muscles again unless I fall into a well and live off of crickets for a few months. I yearn to wear horizontal stripes again.

Today, I am committing to two weeks on the Slimfast diet, beginning Monday. I will reassess the situation then and decide how to proceed. I've been to their website and I have a battle plan. Until then, I will do my best to avoid the pre-diet binge.

Pregnancy Update

Today, Mrs. Undaground is 27 weeks pregnant. This begins the third trimester of the pregnancy, or what we're calling "The Swollen Feet Era". Each day, I'm watching as my wife gets more uncomfortable. It doesn't help that we're smack dab in the middle of a South Florida summer.

We've revealed the name to most of our family and friends. If you really want to know and you're family or friend, shoot me an email and I'll share. I've chosen not to put the name out there on this blog because I don't want our choice to suddenly sweep the nation and become really popular. When they named the baby Emma on Friends, Emma shot up in popularity. I have a few less readers than Friends had viewers, but you never know.

I'm still watching Rock Star: Supernova, but it's not as good as Rock Star: INXS was. I wish INXS was looking for another singer and they could just do the show again.

Last Comic Standing is fairly unwatchable, but that hasn't stopped me from watching it. I can't explain why. Maybe I have a problem. I might need to join some kind of tivo anonymous group because I continually expose myself to crap with the simple click of a remote control.

Howdy

I took the day off from the blog on Monday. Sometimes, I just don't have anything interesting to say. It was an eventful weekend, but there were no real blog material moments to speak of.

Sunday, I tweaked my back playing softball. Since that time, I've had a steady stream of Motrin flowing through my veins. Yesterday, I walked around like I had a crowbar shoved up some unspeakable place. Today, it's much better, and my walking style features a little bounce, not unlike a Muppet. Tomorrow, I hope to have my full saunter back.

We've purchased the paint needed for the nursery. Green on top, light blue wallpaper border about 3 feet off the floor, and light yellow below the border. Over the green walls, we'll paint the Seuss characters. In planning this ambitious room, I feel I've bitten off a bit more than I can comfortably chew, but I will press forward because I want the boy to be impressed with it, and I want his baby friends to be jealous of how much his parents rock.

I'm also pleased to announce that my grandmother has sent the Undaling his first Cubs hat. It was shipped directly from Chicago so that insures that it's properly cursed. Soon, we will suffer through the long baseball summers together and maybe he'll be blogging when he's 35 years old about how it's been 133 years since they won the World Series.

For those of you paying attention, WVU is preseason number one according to both Bruce Feldman and Pat Forde of ESPN. Yes, friends, this could be the year. Last year was spectacular, but we're on the verge of something even better. Get ready for more fun beginning September 2nd against (cough) Marshall.

TGITEOTW

TGITEOTW
That stands for "Thank God it's the end of the week". I think it has a nice ring to it. Maybe it will catch on as a way to quickly and easily celebrate Fridays using a simple acronym. Someday I envision a chain of restaurants named after my acronym, where the waitstaff dresses like candy-canes and they hang old household products on the walls. That way, if anyone spills honey-mustard on their cargo pants, they can grab a washboard from the wall and some club soda, and quickly get the stain out.

Pig Picture
I never posted the pig picture as promised. Pardon me.

To review, my friend bought a ranch. I like to call it "Hidden Valley". To kick off their ranch lifestyle, they are also now proud pot-bellied pig owners. This is Sam:

Where have they gone?

Is it just me, or have erasable pens been wiped off of the face of the planet? For a few years, they were huge. All you really needed to effectively start school was a giant Trapper Keeper and a 12 pack of those erasable pens. Where are they? Granted, I haven't walked through that aisle in a long time. Maybe they're still there and they just don't affect my life anymore, but I have a hunch they've vanished. Like Boy George, they were huge in the 80's, but nobody's really needed them since.

Early Retirement

Today is a sad day for me. I'm retiring my favorite pair of cargo pants. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know that cargo pants are near and dear to my heart. I enjoy the soft feel of wrinkle-free khaki against my skin, and I love having extra pockets for whatever chattel I may decide to carry. Last time I wore them, I discovered some small holes forming just above the back pockets. Apparently, the precious cargo pants have endured one-too-many tumbles in the dryer.

I've heard people say before that mutts are the best dogs. Sometimes, the best pets are not the $700 purebred royalty dogs with papers; sometimes they're the pound puppies that you get for the cost of the first shots. How does this relate to my cargo pants? Well, these weren't a pair of $60 Dillards pants or even Old Navy. I picked these up at Costco for nineteen bucks about two years ago. Yep, I threw them right in the cart on top of the 200-pack of frozen taquitos and a 6-gallon jug of sour cream. I don't know that I'll ever find a pair again that fit me and serve me so well.

I have so many memories associated with these pants. They carried me through more than one rainy concert. Once, I found a five dollar bill in one of the many side pockets. I clearly remember a time when I walked past an older woman at work who I thought was a mute, when, out of nowhere she said "Hey, nice pants."

So today, I've chosen to proudly don them one last time, even with the visible hint of my boxer briefs. I'm proud to take them for one more spin around the workplace. Maybe at lunch, I'll spill one last dollop of ketchup on them, just for old times sake. When I get home, I'll slip them off and quietly place them in the outside garbage can. I might just light a candle and say a little prayer.

Goodbye, pants.

Defensive Driving

It was Friday evening and we were driving North on the Turnpike to spend the weekend in Daytona Beach with the Undaground-in-laws. Our trusty Toyota Camry was stocked with the usual roadtrip chattel: Peanut M&M's, Pringles, Starbucks, bottled water, Altoids, and our first child (the iPod). Inside the car it was a cool 74 degrees. The music was bouncy and fun. Our conversation was easy, easy like Sunday morning, even though it was still just Friday.

Outside, was a different story. Pounding rains chased us up the coast all evening. The roads were slick and nasty, and for much of the journey, my hands remained at 10 and 2. Cruise control was set on 80. I just had to brave the storm and steer the ship. My back was hurting because of the highway tension created by rainstorms mixed with presumably stupid drivers. The situation was exacerbated by that phenomenon that occurs when tractor trailers pass you in the driving rain, then slide in front of you, sending some bonus moisture your way for as long as you're stuck there.

Once we got past the congestion of Palm Beach County, the traffic eased up a little and so did my grip on the wheel. Before long, there were no other cars close in front of us, and none close behind. This was a much better situation, and my back was already feeling better as I enjoyed the mocha frappucino sitting in the cup holder. My wife and I were discussing something, and I began talking with my hands, relying on my knees to steer and the cruise control to keep me at 80.

Then, it happened.

It took me a second to process what I was seeing. There was a Volkswagen Beetle heading right for us at a 90-degree angle from a hill off the side of the Turnpike. Later, we figured that this car was probably getting ready to merge via the on-ramp, lost control and literally took a short cut down a hill and straight on to the Turnpike. My failure to act quickly here would result in a very powerful collision with this woman's driver-side door.

My wife screamed. The moment was surreal. I could see her out of the corner of my eye bracing herself. I pushed the brake down as hard as I could. It feels like I pushed it with both feet and all my body weight, like a leg press. I know that, consciously, instantly, I thought about my wife. And I thought about my child, nestled in the safety of the womb for a few more months. I knew it was my duty to protect them, and I can't even find the right words to illustrate how terrified I was for a brief moment.

Flashback

4th of July. Mrs. Undaground is driving us to a fireworks display. As she stops at a light more abruptly than usual, I look over and admit to her what I had just done:

"You know I just pressed my imaginary brake", I tell her.

"I do that with you all the time. Mostly when you're looking at me and talking with your hands, like this."

I guess she was right. I guess I do occassionally drive like I'm an actor in a movie, piloting a fake car in front of a green screen.

"You know, I'm one of the best drivers in the United States."

"Me too", she answered.

"Seriously, I could have been in Nascar had I chosen that path."

"Nascar, huh."

"Yep. And I don't even chew tobacco or own a confederate flag."

"What makes you think you're one of the best drivers in the world?"

"Not the world, just the United States. I've never been to Europe so I'm not sure how I'd handle the road there. You see, as a youth, I was an idiot sometimes. But me driving like an idiot for a couple years prepared me well for my adult years. Now, because of those crazy driving days, I've become an expert at avoiding serious accidents and defensive driving. It's like I use my powers for good now. It's like that "Catch me if you can" movie when Leonardo DiCaprio starts helping the government bust scam artists."

"Whatever", she said as she pulled forward after the light turned green.

End of Flashback

The Camry started skidding hard, but luckily stayed on a straight line. Meantime, the woman's Beetle was losing its back end again, and it now swerved so that she was facing us, head-on, on the Turnpike. Now, I had to hit the gas, and pull the wheel hard to the right. We drove up on the shoulder to avoid her and then back on the highway. Luckily, nobody was following closely enough to hit us from behind. As I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw a hubcap rolling down the turnpike.

Mrs. Undaground was now silent. I could feel my heart beating near my throat.

"I think I lost a hubcap", I said. Actually, it ended up being the Beetle's.

I pulled over on the side and got out. The woman in the Beetle had somehow turned her car in the right direction and pulled up behind us. She got out of her car. She was visibly shaken. I waited for Mrs. Undaground to get out of the car because I wanted this woman to see that she was pregnant, carrying the most precious of cargo.

"Are you OK? What happened", I asked the Beetle woman.

"I lost my back end and just started sliding. I had no control."

"You lost a hubcap back there."

"I can't believe that's the only thing. I'm so lucky."

"Definitely. Well, drive safe."

We got back in the car and sat for a moment. The bouncy, happy music was still playing on the iPod. I was now regretting the Starbucks. Turns out I didn't need anymore energy. My adrenaline was pumping. I could have wrestled a grizzly bear right then.

"You are the best driver in the world", said my wife.

"Thanks for following up. I think that conversation is officially over now. Just the United States, by the way."

We pulled back on to the Turnpike. For the next three hours, I drove like my trunk was filled with hundreds of egg cartons and several canisters of plutonium. For a few minutes, I couldn't help but see the "what if". Wow, is that scary.

My son is still officially prenatal. I've decided to stop calling him "unborn" because the word sounds creepy to me. Still prenatal and already I've experienced the feeling a parent gets when their child is in danger.

I'm sure that there will be countless incidents where we come out of it feeling extemely lucky. I hope that I can use my past mistakes to protect him. I hope he doesn't have to touch the stove to figure out that it's hot. I hope he doesn't have to drive like an idiot someday to learn how to avoid accidents. I hope he trusts me enough to take my word for it. I hope he doesn't become a Nascar driver and chew tobacco or hang a Confederate flag.

By the Numbers

1: near-death experience this weekend (more tomorrow)
3: licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop (according to some smart-ass owl)
6: contestants remaining on Hell's Kitchen
13: items on my to-do list today
98: years since Cubs have won the World Series
99: days til due date
150: posts on this blog as of today
4367: songs on our iPod

jOkEs

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

***

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak. Now you say "control freak who?"

***

A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree
ba dum dum CHING!

***

Q. how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
A. fish

***

Q: What did the perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit.

***

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: LET'S RIDE BIKES!

***

Two muffins are in the oven, cooking.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting really hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"

***

A guy's in a bar with his friends and he's totalled. He's three drinks past drunk and as he starts to leave, his vomits all over himself.

"Oh, damn," he slurs, "my wife doesn't like me hanging out with you guys, and now I'm sloppy drunk and stinking and filthy. She's gonna kill me."

"No, no, no." His buddy says and hands him a bill. "Put this five in your pocket and tell her one of us barfed on you and gave you money for drycleaning."

The drunk's eyes light up and thanks his friend before stumbling out the door towards his house.
He arrives at home to find his wife standing at the door, waiting for him.

"Good God," she exclaims, "I don't like you hanging around with those slobs as it is, and now you come home stinking drunk and covered with your own vomit."

"No, no, no, baby, here," the man says reaching for the five in his pocket and handing it to her, "one of the guys got sick on me and gave me 5 bucks to pay for the drycleaning."

"But this is a 10," the wife says, holding it up.

"Oh, right, yeah, he also shit my pants."

***

Three friends are sitting at a bar. At one point, an older gentleman walks up to them. Looking at the one in the middle, he screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOTHER!!!" Offended, but calm, the guy shoos the older man away and shrugs it off, and continues to keep drinking.

A few minutes later, the same older man walks up again and screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOM BUT GOOD!!!" Again, the guy shrugs it off and continues to drink with his buddies.

A third time, the older guy stumbles up and screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOM IN THE ***!!!"
Finally, the guy looks at the older man and says: "Dad, go home. You're drunk."

Guantanamera

Earworm
For some unexplainable reason, I can't get "Guantanamera" out of my head. This is a Latin song that we heard about 300 times on our honeymoon. I always thought they said "Guantanamera, tequila guantanamera", but apparently it's "guitera guantanemera". Anyway, it's very catchy and I guess I will have to make an international purchase on iTunes to get a version of the song. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're probably a well-adjusted human being who doesn't wake up in the morning haunted by mariachi music.

Rock Star: Supernova
It's too early for me to form any real opinions. There are definitely a bunch of good rockers on this show. Too bad Chris from American Idol didn't choose this show instead. The Australian guy who sang "Knockin on Heavens Door" was good. The scary guy and scary girl (Rebel Yell and Lithium) were obviously well-received by the band. I need to hear more. Obviously, the guy who butchered "Roxanne" will have to really bring it tonight if he wants to survive.

#37 About Me
37. When I eat Chinese food, I take special care in planning my leftovers. I always save my eggroll for the second meal. My wife thinks this is slightly crazy; I believe it just demonstrates tremendous self-control.

TLC
We're still on a TLC kick. Lately, it's been "Bringing Baby Home". I've decided that all newborns look exactly the same in the first 36-hours after birth (except for the ones who are born with coneheads).

Dream
Last night I dreamed that somebody used my toothbrush. It was some drifter who was staying at our house. I knew that he used it because he left a lozenge resting on the bristles. It was gross. I guess it was his calling-card (at least he warned me). I've decided that my dream is telling me to be wary of drifters, especially those with good oral hygeine.

Programming Alert

Rockstar: Supernova premieres tonight at 8pm on CBS.

It will be discussed periodically on this blog throughout the season. If it's as good as Rockstar: INXS was, it's well worth watching.

Happy 5th

Movie Moment
The other night, Mrs. Undaground and I were watching Good Will Hunting on cable. There's one scene where Robin Williams and the math professor go to a bar to discuss Will Hunting's future. Robin Williams orders a couple of beers and "two sandwiches". He doesn't specify what kind of sandwiches; he puts that decision in the hands of the bartender. That struck me as odd.

Later in the scene, the bartender delivers the two sandwiches. I was surprised to see that one of them was on pumpernickel bread, the other was on white. The two men quickly get into an argument and the math professor storms out without touching his sandwich.

Sure, there was a legitimate disagreement going on about Will's future, but I think the professor might have stuck around to discuss it further if the sandwich he was given was more appetizing. I think he used the argument as an excuse to get the hell out of there before he had to eat a sandwich on pumpernickel bread. I know I would have.

Hot Dog Championship
Did anyone get to see the Nathan's hot dog eating championship? Awesome.

Kobayashi broke his own world record and ate 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes. For the past four or five years he's been blowing away the competition. Now, there's a young American named Chestnut who ate 52 hot dogs yesterday. I believe we're entering the golden era of the Nathan's hot dog eating championship. Don't miss next year's fourth of July contest. No doubt, these two guys will train vigorously now that the bar has been raised.

For me, the only problem was that I was eating my lunch while watching the telecast. It's not a good idea to eat casually while watching others eat competitively. First, it's a bit disgusting to watch these guys eat, especially once they get past 8 or 9 minutes. Also, you can't help but pick up the pace yourself, and workplace pizza is something that should be savored, not hurried.

Pregnancy Update
25 weeks today. Fifteen weeks left to go.

Are you keeping track of Americans born? Remember, that Gerber and the US census are expecting the 300 millionth American to be born in October. Now, it looks like the best estimate is October 17. That's one day before our due date. I think we can do this if the boy takes after his dad. I'm always on time, but usually early. I've spent more than a few uncomfortable moments being the first one at a party. I still haven't figured out what we will win, but it looks like Undaling may get his fifteen minutes of fame out of the way early.

Happy 4th

I hope those of you with the day off are enjoying it. I'm working today in order to continue to stockpile my "paternity leave".

Thanks for all your comments on blog boy. It brought a tear to my eye to see that 10 comments were made on one post. That's a record, I think. Rome wasn't built in a day. (America, however was built on July 4, 1776).

I have decided to go with Undaling. I liked a lot of the suggestions, and I will solicit your help again in a few short months for Mrs. Undaground's birthday present. Undagroundling was a close second. I looked up groundling in the dictionary just to be sure and it said, "a person with uncultivated tastes." My child hasn't been born yet, and we know he likes artichokes and the John Mayer Trio, so I had to skip that one. It seems he's already cultivating his tastes.

"Undaling" was suggested by my mother. Kudos, mom. You win. You have won a 7-day, six-night stay in South Florida, preferably in late October, for poolside banana-kahlua coladas and nap-relief for Undaground parents. Oh, and we don't actually have a guest room anymore, but we have really big Alice-in-Wonderland-style couches and a vellux blanket with your name on it.