Baby Got Back

I'm pleased to announce that the Undaling is facing the right way, and that rumors of a "breech baby" were inaccurate.

Turns out the lump at the top of Mrs. U's belly, that we thought was his head, is actually his rear end. Baby got back. He's estimated at 6 lbs. 1 oz. right now and apparently, he is "very long". During the ultrasound, he was holding one of his feet in his hand (a level of flexibility that I haven't enjoyed since the 80's.)

The bad news is I really have to pay attention in Lamaze class tonight, because it is the last class and it looks like we're going to need to know how to breathe properly after all.

Life in the Express Lane

So I stopped by the supermarket on the way home from work yesterday. We were out of dog food. Naturally, I picked up a few other seemingly random items as well.

My cart was filled with the following things:

• Big bag of Kibbles and Bits
• 12-pack of Heineken Premium Light
• 2 packages of break-and-bake cookies (don't judge me, she's still pregnant).
• 1 bag of Tostitos Yellow Corn chips. (because I have more salsa than chips right now).
• One impulsively-purchased NY Times bestseller. (to have reading material for the hospital).

I did some quick math. 6 items. Woo-hoo. Express lane.

As I waited in a line that was 3-deep, the old lady in front of me began to slowly move her items to the counter. She had some non-descript foodstuff and a jug of apple juice. I watched her closely as she lifted the apple juice, just in case this caused her to collapse. I don't have any emergency medical training, but I'm pretty sure I could catch a falling old lady based on my experience playing softball. She managed to hoist the apple juice to the counter by swinging it and throwing in an old-lady grunt (which is not quite as manly as my grunt, but I digress.) Then, in a methodical, sad, deliberate way she uttered the following phrase to nobody in particular:

"My ice cream is melting."

What?!? I looked again at her items. There were no more than ten products in front of her (it was the express lane, after all). There was no freaking ice cream. In fact, there was neither a freezer item nor a dessert. What did this mean? I don't talk to strangers unless I absolutely need to, so I didn't say a word. Did I imagine this? Is "my ice cream is melting" some kind of euphemism for an elderly ailment? What the hell is going on? Was she talking to me, or to herself? Am I crazy? Why is it that insane people make me question my own sanity? Should I get more salsa just in case the new bag of chips throws off the chip to salsa ratio in my home? Who is this mystery woman, and why does she think her ice cream's melting?

By the time I was finished asking myself questions, she was walking out of the store and on her way back to her rent-controlled condo in Crazytown. Nice to know I'd be sharing the road with her in a few minutes.

I waited patiently as the inevitable cashier switch-out happened right as it was my turn. I swear that those supermarket supervisor bastards wait by the door for me, then intentionally do this right as I reach the register.

The store has new, fancy computer screens there now, so I watched as "Whittney" with two "T's" logged out and "Chase" logged in. Chase had very fast fingers, and the register switch-out went surprisingly quick. Chase was obviously pleased with himself. I translated the smirk on his face to mean "Screw the mean bullies in high school gym class who make fun of my complexion, this is my territory and I can input a 30-cent coupon faster than any of them. Someday, I will be a captain of industry." He snapped back to reality (for just a brief moment) and addressed me.

"Oh, hello sir."

"How you doin?", I said because I felt obligated to greet him.

He looked down at my 6 items.

"Having yourself a little party, huh?" He said it like we were buds... Just two cool guys hanging out at a register.

Dumbfounded, I looked at my items again. Did I accidentally throw some colorful paper plates and a cake in my cart? What's going on here. There's beer. OK, beer is essential to any party. What else? Chips. Sure, why not have a beer and chips party. Dog food. Dog food? Reading material. Maybe it's a book club party. Cookies with some assembly required. Did this eclectic mix of items-for-purchase indicate that I was having a party? I mean, I've gone to the very same store to prepare for many parties and the bill is usually much higher, and the party items are much more obvious. What kind of party does this pimply-faced monster attend? I don't know how to answer that. I guess I'll give it my best shot, since he apparently won't be ringing me up until I answer his stupid question.

"That's right. A beer and dog food party", was the best I could do.

"Hey, whatever works", said Chase.

Just get me the hell out of here. Is it me? Am I the one who's crazy. Do we really have such a fear of silence that we must fill those moments with whatever random phrase enters our heads? For me, there is no such thing as "uncomfortable silence", especially in public. In my world, all silence is comfortable. And apparently, all old people and teenagers are freaking looney-tunes.

Tivo Alert

Tonight, The Office and My Name is Earl have their season premieres on NBC.

At the same time, Survivor is on CBS.

If you're like me, and you have Tivo, watch them both. If not, you have a Sophie's choice-like decision to make. My heart goes out to you.

In other TV news, did anyone check out Studio 60 on Monday? It's very good. Now I have another show to worry about.

I guess I have a finite amount of time to watch these things before the Wiggles and Spongebob take over our lives.

Pregnancy Update

Well, we've reached another milestone. Today, Mrs. Undaground is 36 weeks or officially 9 months pregnant.

Whatever she does in the next month should be carefully documented, so that someday she can tell stories ending with the phrase "when I was 9 months pregnant."

For instance...

"I went to a Santana concert when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I worked right up until my due date when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I went cliff-diving in Acapulco when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I kicked a 43-yard field goal when I was 9 months pregnant"

"I hunted and killed a wild boar when I was 9 months pregnant"

Our ultrasound has been moved to Friday afternoon. That's two more days for the baby to decide to turn around. Since I know he can hear sounds from the outside world, I've been speaking to Mrs. Undaground's belly. Last night, I promised him a pony for his fifth birthday if he gets in a head-down position before Friday. If not, he's getting socks and underwear. I hate to strong-arm the kid, but I haven't watched Supernanny for awhile so I've conveniently forgotten that you're not supposed to negotiate with them when they're this young.

Mrs. U is extremely uncomfortable these days. Her feet are swollen beyond belief. They look like flesh-colored clogs right now. The anxiety of labor is being overpowered by the desire to not be pregnant anymore. I guess that's how the circle of life works.

Speaking of the circle of life, I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do at the very moment when the baby is born. I'm not sure if the nurses will allow this, but I'd like to hold him over my head proudly on top of a scenic mountain overlook while Elton John sings... like they did in the Lion King. Anybody know of any scenic mountain overlooks in South Florida? I think the closest thing might be the balcony at the movie theater. Then again, I've always complained about babies in movie theaters. See, fatherhood is already changing me.

Seuss Nursery: Why stay cooped up in the womb, when you can chill out in your room?

(click image for larger view)

Good Monday Morning

Woo-hoo. The nursery is officially done... Photos coming to the Undaground tomorrow.

Mrs. U and I took the opportunity this weekend to eat dinner out on Friday and Saturday. We also went to a movie on Saturday and had breakfast out on Sunday. This is the phase where we're getting all this stuff out of our system.

Lamaze #2 is tonight. I hope that she ends on time, because the Steelers are playing Monday Night Football. Tivo is a man's best friend, though.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday to figure out which way the baby's facing. Right now, we think he's sideways. Wednesday will be 36 weeks, so he still has time to get in the proper position. I read on the internet that playing music and shining a light near Mrs. Undaground's "pelvic bone" might lure the baby to the head-down position. I'm currently scanning the trade magazines for a lighting expert and a sound engineer. No luck yet, but stay tuned. We're still planning to go to the Santana concert on Sept 28, so maybe they'll let us sit on the roof of the ampitheater.

Oh, the movie was "The Last Kiss" starring Zach Braff and I recommend it.

And the beat goes on...

I hope you all had a chance to watch some of the carnage on ESPN last night. My neck hurts this morning and I think it's from watching Steve Slaton run up and down the field.

It's a wonderful time to be a Mountaineer.

As for Survivor, it is resting comfortably on my Tivo and we will watch it this weekend.

Television News

I have many important television news items to pass along. Premiere week is upon us, so get your Tivo's fired up.

1. Survivor starts Thursday night. Teams will be divided by race this year. I've decided I'm rooting for the Hispanic team, because my Hips Don't Lie.

2. Very exciting news... Little People, Big World is returning for a second season on TLC. If you know me, you know I have a great appreciation for little people and I actively support the LPA - Little People of America, although technically I'm 18 inches too tall to become a member of their organization. More info on the show's return here.

3. Rock Star: Supernova season finale is tonight. I think I want Magni to win, but it doesn't matter much. I don't see myself buying their music, but I do enjoy the show. Apparently, Supernova will not be Supernova. They need a new name. Read about that here.

4. NBC has football again, and the theme song rocks. Wanna know why? Because it's composed by John Williams. Cool article on John Williams here.

5. Speaking of football, tape Survivor on Thursday night and watch the Mountaineers take on the Maryland Terrapins. Kickoff is at 7:45pm on ESPN.

The Under-Appreciated Art of Breathing

Last night, Mrs. U and I had our first Lamaze class.

Before I tell you about our passive aggressive Lamaze teacher, let me share some incredible knowledge I picked up last night. I've put some of the trickier terms in bold so you can look them up later if I move too fast.

When you breathe in and fill your lungs with air, this is called inhaling.

When you expel that air from your lungs by breathing out, this is called exhaling.

I may not have absorbed and remembered all of this info if our teacher didn't take 30 minutes to explain this difficult concept to us. I've found that life is already so much easier now that I'm armed with this important information. Turns out, sometimes I would inhale twice in a row without exhaling. That's hard to do, unless you're a circus performer or you're in a reggae band. Other times, I would exhale twice while forgetting to inhale. Now that I know what I was doing wrong, I suspect that I'll be wheezing a lot less.

Mrs. Undaground did learn some good information about positioning herself for maximum comfort during labor. I learned how to rub her back in front of a room full of people while she assumes these positions.

The class was supposed to run from 7pm to 9pm (3 Monday nights in a row). Well, when we got there, the doctors were having a meeting in the Lamaze class room. So, we waited, and waited, and eventually the room was seized by a stampede of impatient pregnant women and their backrubbing partners. Once the class actually began at about 730pm, the teacher said she would shorten her lesson so that we'd finish on time.

I guess she really inspired herself, because somewhere in the middle of her inhaling and exhaling lecture, she decided to scrap that plan and just give us the director's cut, unedited, full 2-hour version, unbeknownst to us.

At 9pm, as people started quietly gathering their chattle to prepare for their exit, she began launching into our next exercise, which was extremely similar to the previous exercise. One Lamaze partner in the class asked, "Umm, so what time are we getting out of here?". This was apparently all it took for the battle of wills to begin.

"9:30", the teacher said proudly. She had more to tell us, and it couldn't wait til next week, or the week after.

I guess sometime between 9 and 930, Lamaze teacher decided that she was bothered by the man's question, because 930 came and she pressed on. The non-verbal cues in the room from each and every couple for her to stop were so strong that I felt like I was on the floor of the stock exchange for a moment.

Finally, at 9:40, she popped the last 1970's birth film into the VCR. We watched as "Carl" helped his wife through labor. Then, we saw what they don't show you on TLC. The one thing Mrs. U and I both took from the film is that if you feather your hair and wear polyester, labor becomes a little easier for some cosmic reason. Seriously, could somebody update those films? The children being born in them are probably going through menopause now. Are you telling me that nothing has changed in 30 years?

At about 9:45, Lamaze teacher opened it up for questions..... again. One teacher's pet asked a question as a collective groan of Monday Night Football fans hovered over the room.

Eventually, we were on our way home, where we fell right asleep and now here I am at work again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some homework to do. I'm trying to practice the inhale/exhale thing to the point where I can do it without thinking about it. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, inhale, inhale, COUGH, COUGH, Oops. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

Never forget

The Champ is Here!

Ahhh, the morning traffic is always a little less annoying after a big victory.

Happy Friday. Mrs. U and I have a big weekend planned: more nursery painting on Saturday, college football at a sports bar on Saturday night (guess who's driving), and fondue restaurant (the Melting Pot) on Sunday night.

Hormones

I've watched a lot of movies and heard many anecdotes about when a woman goes into labor.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!"

"C'mon honey, we can do this."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE"? YOU BASTARD!!!"

Honestly, I've never seen my wife even approach this level of angry intensity, but I'm told this type of thing happens very regularly. I'm ready for it, and I won't be surprised if we share this very exchange, but I still can't picture it.

There's a girl at work whose due date is one week before Mrs. U's. She's always been a very calm, quiet girl, as far as I know. The other day, I was walking through the office when, out of nowhere, she grabbed my arm.

Startled, I looked to see who was grabbing me, when a saw a set of angry, red eyes glaring back at me. She was breathing heavily through her nose, not unlike El Toro. Apparently, the fact that she was pregnant, and that I, as a man, had recently impregnated somebody also, was enough to make me a target. I felt like a scared matador, wrapped in a big comfy red blanket. Then, she spoke.

"IF YOUR WIFE FEELS ANYTHING LIKE ME... YOU BETTER KISS HER ASS!!!"

And just like that, she was gone.

I appreciate good advice and have decided to set into motion "Operation Kiss-her-ass". So, tonight as I watch the Pittsburgh Steelers opening game, instead of reaching for the beer and chips, I will probably reach for the two swollen feet on the other end of the couch... and I shall rub them vigorously.

Go Steelers.

Looks a lot like the first trimester

Waiters who are nauseated by food.

Enjoy this clip featuring Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. It's from the short-lived
Dana Carvey show.

Weekend in Review

1. To show further proof that I love my wife more than football, I want to say this first: Happy Birthday Mrs. Undaground. Her birthday was actually Sunday, but we will continue to celebrate throughout the week, culminating in a trip to the Melting Pot this weekend for some delicious meats and cheese, fondue-style. Mrs. U is the proud new owner of "Oprah's Favorite Robe", available online. I trust Oprah, so I'm hoping the robe keeps its super-soft texture through her entire maternity leave. I got her a pair of slipper from the same company, but no mention of Oprah. Perhaps Oprah has some other favorite slippers that I'm unaware of.

2. WVU disposed of in-state stepbrother Marshall in impressive fashion. 42-10 for any of you who are keeping count. This week, it's Division I-AA powerhouse Eastern Washington. Thanks again to the Sarasota Mountaineer fan club for a good time on Saturday. To cap off a glorious college football weekend, the Miami Hurricanes lost last night. That ranks just behind a WVU win when it comes to making me happy.

3. Of course, it couldn't be a perfect football weekend. Despite a stellar live fantasy football draft featuring much fried food and beer in Sarasota, there was some bad news. Ben Roethlisberger is out for the season opener because he had emergency surgery to remove his appendix. And yes, I just typed "emergency surgery to remove his appendix" to avoid trying to spell "appendectomy". Although now that I look back, I think I spelled it correctly.

4. RIP. Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. What a shame. I have enjoyed many hours of entertainment on Discovery Channel and Animal Planet thanks to him over the years, and now he's gone. I'm sure he will live on in reruns and someday my little boy will jump on our cat and say "Crikey", but the world of dangerous animal entertainment has lost a shining star.

Nothing to see here

Ernesto was a dud. I can't complain. Turns out it's just a rainy, windy day. We're going to leave the plywood up for a few days just in case something else develops. In the meantime, I have some Tivo material to catch up on and some patio furniture to return to its usual place.

Most overheard cliches yesterday:

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Don't let your guard down.

Most overheard cliches today:

Better safe than sorry.

It is what it is.

We dodged a bullet.

Ernesto Blows

The Undaground blog posts may be erratic for a few days as we try to fend off a tropical storm/hurricane. Check back for updates.

Our windows are covered with plywood, the yard is cleared of all debris, the patio furniture is inside, and the flashlight and mini-tv batteries are fresh. Mrs. U has canned goods stocked up and is getting more propane today. A generator is on the way and we have 10 gallons of gas to power the fan, fridge, lamps and tv. Mrs. U will decide where to go for the storm depending on forecast. Our home is safe, but she's been invited to a few different places to ride it out with others. I'm at work for at least the next 36 hours with airbed, body pillow and toiletries. It takes us hours in Home Depot to decide on a paint color, but we've gotten pretty efficient at preparing for a storm.

Screw you Ernesto,
and Wilma,
and Jeanne,
and Frances.

Anxiously awaiting our next insurance premium hike,

The Undaground

Happy Friday

Survivor
Have you seen the news about the next Survivor? Apparently, they're breaking up the four teams based on race. Some say this means Survivor has jumped the shark. Personally, I don't care, and will watch whatever crap Survivor puts on TV. I'm an addict, and have not yet entered recovery. Survivor starts in September, and you will see the occasional Haiku celebrating the show right here on the Undaground.

Double Dipping
Apparently, my dog has been leading a secret life... as a freaking cat. This morning, I caught her standing on her hind legs, eating out of our cats' bowls. I've moved the bowls out of reach, but I'd really like to find a way to stop this behavior and keep the bowls in their traditional spot. I might need the dog whisperer for this one. The only solution I can come up with is to treat her as I would treat a cat, and act like I'm allergic to her. Given the number of times she's walked into the sliding glass door accidentally, I'm not sure she'll be able to wrap her brain around that technique.

Pregnancy Update
54 days til due date. Mrs. Undaground's second and final baby shower is tomorrow. Our house is quickly filling up with baby stuff. For a 7 or 8 pound creature, they sure do have a lot of "gear".

As for the Seuss room, Hop on Pop, The Cat in the Hat, and Green Eggs and Ham are all complete. I'm now working on Horton. It looks awesome, if I do say so myself, but I am already trying to think of excuses to give our second child someday as to why his/her room doesn't quite rock as much as their older brother's did. This is why middle child syndrome exists. It's already begun in our little family, and the first hasn't even been born yet.

A Little Experiment

Let's see if this works...

This is my first attempt to post a video on the blog. This is a video called "Troops" that is obviously a parody of "Cops".

Do you feel old?

Each year, a group of Wisconsin professors puts out a list. It is a tool for them to better understand the incoming college freshmen. This year's crop was born in 1988 (one year before my hs graduation). Here's the list:


BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST® FOR THE CLASS OF 2010
Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.

1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.

2. They have known only two presidents.

3. For most of their lives, major U.S. airlines have been bankrupt.

4. Manuel Noriega has always been in jail in the U.S.

5. They have grown up getting lost in "big boxes."

6. There has always been only one Germany.

7. They have never heard anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register.

8. They are wireless, yet always connected.

9. A stained blue dress is as famous to their generation as a third-rate burglary was to their parents'.

10. Thanks to pervasive headphones in the back seat, parents have always been able to speak freely in the front.

11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.

12. Smoking has never been permitted on U.S. airlines.

13. Faux fur has always been a necessary element of style.

14. The Moral Majority has never needed an organization.

15. They have never had to distinguish between the St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football teams.

16. DNA fingerprinting has always been admissible evidence in court.

17. They grew up pushing their own miniature shopping carts in the supermarket.

18. They grew up with and have outgrown faxing as a means of communication.

19. "Google" has always been a verb.

20. Text messaging is their email.

21. Milli Vanilli has never had anything to say.

22. Mr. Rogers, not Walter Cronkite, has always been the most trusted man in America.

23. Bar codes have always been on everything, from library cards and snail mail to retail items.

24. Madden has always been a game, not a Superbowl-winning coach.

25. Phantom of the Opera has always been on Broadway.

26. "Boogers" candy has always been a favorite for grossing out parents.

27. There has never been a "skyhook" in the NBA.

28. Carbon copies are oddities found in their grandparents' attics.

29. Computerized player pianos have always been tinkling in the lobby.

30. Non-denominational mega-churches have always been the fastest growing religious organizations in the U.S.

31. They grew up in mini-vans.

32. Reality shows have always been on television.

33. They have no idea why we needed to ask "...can we all get along?"

34. They have always known that "In the criminal justice system the people have been represented by two separate yet equally important groups."

35. Young women's fashions have never been concerned with where the waist is.

36 They have rarely mailed anything using a stamp.

37. Brides have always worn white for a first, second, or third wedding.

38. Being techno-savvy has always been inversely proportional to age.

39. "So" as in "Sooooo New York," has always been a drawn-out adjective modifying a proper noun, which in turn modifies something else

40. Affluent troubled teens in Southern California have always been the subjects of television series.

41. They have always been able to watch wars and revolutions live on television.

42. Ken Burns has always been producing very long documentaries on PBS.

43. They are not aware that "flock of seagulls hair" has nothing to do with birds flying into it.

44. Retin-A has always made America look less wrinkled.

45. Green tea has always been marketed for health purposes.

46. Public school officials have always had the right to censor school newspapers.

47. Small white holiday lights have always been in style.

48. Most of them never had the chance to eat bad airline food.

49. They have always been searching for "Waldo."

50. The really rich have regularly expressed exuberance with outlandish birthday parties.

51. Michael Moore has always been showing up uninvited.

52. They never played the game of state license plates in the car.

53. They have always preferred going out in groups as opposed to dating.

54. There have always been live organ donors.

55. They have always had access to their own credit cards.

56. They have never put their money in a "Savings & Loan."

57. Sara Lee has always made underwear.

58. Bad behavior has always been getting captured on amateur videos.

59. Disneyland has always been in Europe and Asia.

60. They never saw Bernard Shaw on CNN.

61. Beach volleyball has always been a recognized sport.

62. Acura, Lexus, and Infiniti have always been luxury cars of choice.

63. Television stations have never concluded the broadcast day with the national anthem.

64. LoJack transmitters have always been finding lost cars.

65. Diane Sawyer has always been live in Prime Time.

66. Dolphin-free canned tuna has always been on sale.

67. Disposable contact lenses have always been available.

68. "Outing" has always been a threat.

69. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss has always been the perfect graduation gift.

70. They have always "dissed" what they don't like.

71. The U.S. has always been studying global warming to confirm its existence.

72. Richard M. Daley has always been the Mayor of Chicago.

73. They grew up with virtual pets to feed, water, and play games with, lest they die.

74. Ringo Starr has always been clean and sober.

75. Professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics.

New Motivation

So, I'm still holding steady at 7 pounds lost since SlimFast. In the past two weeks, my weight has stayed the same. I guess the strategy of eating whatever the hell I want on weekends is balancing out the rest of the week.

Yesterday, I worked a night shift at work because of a personnel shortage. I saw a guy that I haven't seen in a few months. He used to be 400 pounds, and then he had the stomach stapling thing. Well, he officially weighs less than me now. I guess I'll try to pass him again.

The other idea I got from looking at him, is that I'm going to tell people I've lost 170 pounds and I have just 15 more to go. That should help.