Hormones

I've watched a lot of movies and heard many anecdotes about when a woman goes into labor.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!"

"C'mon honey, we can do this."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE"? YOU BASTARD!!!"

Honestly, I've never seen my wife even approach this level of angry intensity, but I'm told this type of thing happens very regularly. I'm ready for it, and I won't be surprised if we share this very exchange, but I still can't picture it.

There's a girl at work whose due date is one week before Mrs. U's. She's always been a very calm, quiet girl, as far as I know. The other day, I was walking through the office when, out of nowhere, she grabbed my arm.

Startled, I looked to see who was grabbing me, when a saw a set of angry, red eyes glaring back at me. She was breathing heavily through her nose, not unlike El Toro. Apparently, the fact that she was pregnant, and that I, as a man, had recently impregnated somebody also, was enough to make me a target. I felt like a scared matador, wrapped in a big comfy red blanket. Then, she spoke.

"IF YOUR WIFE FEELS ANYTHING LIKE ME... YOU BETTER KISS HER ASS!!!"

And just like that, she was gone.

I appreciate good advice and have decided to set into motion "Operation Kiss-her-ass". So, tonight as I watch the Pittsburgh Steelers opening game, instead of reaching for the beer and chips, I will probably reach for the two swollen feet on the other end of the couch... and I shall rub them vigorously.

Go Steelers.