Weekend in Review

Baby Milestones
The Undaling is now doing what they call the "army crawl" or the "commando crawl" or the less-political term, the "inch worm". This is an exciting milestone and marks the end of the immobile period of his life. From this point forward, our baby-proofing will be put to the test. I'm told by more experienced parents that we will soon regret helping him learn how to do this, and long for the days when he would just lay there, as we work to perfect the art of redirection.

Couch Time
To mark the occassion of the baby on the move, I got in one last weekend of extreme couch sitting. The NFL draft was a perfect opportunity to get my off-season football fix, while spending a full day and a half chained to the living room like a "Black Snake Moan" character.

Tattoo
It remains one of my 2007 resolutions to get a tattoo. I'm still in the research phase. This weekend, I spoke to a kid with a fresh tattoo on his forearm.

"Do you think you'll regret that when you're 70?" I asked.

His mother replied: "It's temporary. He's three."

Very interesting.

Foiled Again

I consider myself an intelligent person with a lot of real world experience, but the other day I identified a gap in my early education that I can't quite explain.

As I pulled a baking dish of super-delicious macaroni and cheese out of the oven and fearlessly peeled back the foil, it struck me: I was in my late twenties before I learned that aluminum foil won't burn you when it comes out of the oven. Up until then, I handled foil as if it were hot metal, threatening to scorch my sensitive hands. I'm not sure of the exact moment when the lightbulb went on, but I know now.

Live and learn.

I'll make sure my son is aware of this important information before he starts high school, so he doesn't repeat his father's mistakes and needlessly put wear and tear on an oven mitt.

Baby Talk

I have Sirius satellite radio, and listen to Howard Stern daily on my drive to work. I normally don't put his show on until I've dropped the Undaling off at daycare. Usually, I'll go with sports radio or music until then, or just turn the radio off and make funny noises at him (if he's in the mood).

So I'm not sure why it appears his first word is going to be "Bababooey".

He said "booey" this morning, and he's been saying "ba". He just hasn't put it all together yet.

Anyway, I'd like my wife to know that I'm not polluting the little one's mind in the morning with adult-oriented radio. He must have picked this up at daycare.

While I'm on the subject, it appears the Undaling will be going mobile very soon. He's been rocking back and forth on his hands and knees now for 4 or 5 days and it's only a matter of time before he takes off and begins to explore the electrical wiring behind our entertainment center.

Father of the Year

Holy crap! If you haven't heard Alec Baldwin's tirade directed at his 11-year-old daughter, click here.

I've lost my internet connection at home for some reason, so I'm looking forward to a lovely time on the phone with technical support on Saturday. Hopefully, I'll be able to post from the laptop sometime in the near future.

Because of this issue, I was unable to "live blog" while watching Sanjaya's exit on Wednesday night. It was a fun ride. Sanjaya: Always Remember, Never Forget. Fearless prediction time: I think Melinda Doolittle is the best singer on the show, but Jordin Sparks will win. I guarantee the producers of the show would prefer this, since she is more marketable and will probably sell more CD's.

The Landlord

Here's a link to Will Ferrel's video, "The Landlord", starring his 2-year-old daughter: The Landlord. Here is a People magazine story with background on the video.

We purchased the new laptop mainly for video editing. Mrs. U might be pretty upset if I did something like this, but I won't rule it out.

In other news, I fear this may be the end for Sanjaya. I hope I'm wrong and he continues his improbable run toward reality show history. The longer he lasts, the more entertaining the show. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Undaground Update

Woohoo! The Undaground has expanded. We've purchased a hi-tech, futuristic device called a "laptop". This will make it possible to update the Undaground blog from a hi-tech, futuristic area of our dwelling known as the "living room". The first words and images sent from our living room base to this humble blog are expected to be seen sometime this week.

This is another step in the right direction in our effort to make our living room more of a stand-alone, multi-purpose area. Along with the laptop, we've recently added a comfortable quilt to the room. Next up on the official living room fortification plan is a hibachi grill and a porta-john.

Stay tuned!

Touche!

Mrs. U and I were getting ready to watch Survivor on Tivo last night, and I started to delete last week's episode from the hard drive.

"Sorry, babe. I need to delete this. I guess you weren't able to watch it all, but you'll catch up in the 'previously on Survivor' highlights."

My wife answered. "What are you talking about? Didn't you hear me say earlier that I had watched it?"

"No. Did you say that?"

"Yes. I said it, and then I made some comments about the girl who was voted off. You even answered me and everything. I thought we were having a conversation."

Uh oh. I don't remember that. "Honey, are you sure? Did you have that conversation with somebody else?"

"No. It was you. It was about an hour ago. Are you serious? You don't remember?"

Fumbling for a reason now. "Was I holding the baby?"

"No. I was holding the baby. You were holding the remote."

"Oh. Maybe I didn't hear you."

"That's impossible. You responded to me."

"Really?" Sometimes I'm a terrible husband.

"BUSTED!"

Busted? Geez. What to do now?

My wife continued. "Do I talk too much or something?"

"No, what?!? No. Ummm."

I need something to say here. This is not going well. I need to go on the offensive quickly. Come on brain! Give me something, anything. Wait, I got it!

I changed the subject. "What's my middle name?" I needed some quick ammunition, and when I opened my mouth, this came out. I was a pez dispenser and this question was a shiny piece of candy.

My wife was now off balance, but it was an easy question. "Phillip." Then she looked at me like, 'where are you going with this'.

I continued my offensive. "How many 'L's' are in 'Philip'?"

My wife paused. I had her. "Ummm. Two?"

"Nope. One."

"Oh, sorry. That's so weird, just one 'L'."

Time to go in for the kill. "I think it's weird that my name is misspelled on our son's birth certificate. Did you know that?"

"Really? No I didn't know." The conversation was still going on, and already my wife was looking sorry.

"Yes. I was looking through the baby book the other day. On the official document that proves the existence of our son, I am not listed as his father. Some dude who spells his middle name with two 'L's' is listed."

My wife was silent. I was starting to feel bad.

"Honey. I'm sorry about not hearing you earlier. I think it's my ears. Too many loud concerts as a youth."

"I think you heard me, you just weren't listening to me."

"Yes, but that's just a temporary issue. You may have altered history with the middle name on the birth certificate thing."

Touche.

The good news is that I got out of this one. The bad news is that I am now officially out of ammunition. I guess next time I'm in trouble I could remind her that she forgot to pick up my fruit snacks at the grocery store, but that's pretty weak.

Head Shrink

Yesterday, as my family and I drove back home from our Easter weekend roadtrip, I noticed all the cars in my line shifting to go around somebody. As I approached the car that was slowing the flow of traffic, I noticed they had their hazard lights on. What’s the hazard, here? Were they hauling some sort of load? Were they driving on a flat tire? The speed limit is 70 in these parts, and this car was going no faster than 45.

Naturally, as I passed them on the left, I looked over to see what the “hazard” was.

Aha!

It was suddenly very clear to me.

Sitting in the driver’s seat of this slow-moving vehicle was a woman with a tiny, little head. She seemed to be average sized everywhere else, but her head was unnaturally small. I actually slowed my own car down a little bit just to try to study as much of the scene as I could.

“Honey, do you see this?” My wife looked up from her job of entertaining the baby in the backseat.

“Yep. She’s driving pretty slow.”

“I mean her head. Do you see her head?” Before I could get the question out, we had passed the pea-headed woman and her hazardous car. Dammit.

“I missed it,” my wife answered.

“Let me tell you why her hazards were on… She has a tiny head!”

“So does that mean she’s a danger to other drivers?” A good question from my wife.

“I don’t know. I would assume that a smaller head means a smaller brain. Do you think she put the hazard lights on by mistake? Maybe she has poor peripheral vision. You'd think it would be the other way around.”

My wife was done with our conversation, and was back to cooing at the baby. So I was left to consider this situation as I kept my hands at ten and two and found a nice spot in the center lane to settle in for awhile and think.

What's with the head? I also noticed that the tiny-headed woman with the hazard lights on was wearing huge, hoop earrings. What’s the point of that? Is that the same kind of thing as a bald man growing a thick beard? I wished I could have five minutes with this woman to ask her some more questions.

“Why are your hazard lights on?”

“Why were you driving so slow?”

“Can I teach you how to use cruise control? I can write down instructions if it’s too much information for you to store in that head.”

“Do you have to shop for hats in the children’s section?”

“Are those earrings really huge, or do they just look bigger dangling from your tiny ears?”

“Does every pillow feel like a super-sized enormous pillow to you? Is that awesome.”

“When you put on a t-shirt, do you ever accidentally slip your head through the armhole?”

If you have a tiny head, and I’ve offended you, I apologize. But while you’re here, maybe you could answer some of these questions.

Yes!

The Sanjaya train is a'rollin. Are you onboard? It's not too late.

I've just been informed this morning via electronic mail, that the Undaground Mom is officially part of the Sanjaya bandwagon. Mrs. Undaground is still resistant, but the baby and I are working on her.

Odds and Ends

Gators Again
Another day, another major national championship for my wife's gators. Congratulations Gators. Alligators are green, and so is envy.

In other college basketball news, it seems our coach (WVU's) is headed to Michigan. Thanks Coach Beilien for some very exciting years. Let's hope this is an opportunity for WVU to get the right guy in to take it to the next level (ahem.... Bob Huggins).

Opening Day
I took the day off Monday for opening day; a tradition I plan to continue every year with my son. I told Mrs. U about this yesterday and she's a little worried that I'll be pulling him out of school every year to watch a baseball game. My point is.... what will he remember when he's old and gray and looking back on his life? Will he remember a math test, or will he remember watching the Cubs lose with his Dad?

He's just 6 months old (as of Sunday), and already we have so much in common. After the Cubs loss, we both showed our displeasure by spitting up on our jerseys.

TV Tonight
If you're the voting kind, remember to vote for Sanjaya tonight on American Idol. Last Tuesday, as I left work, I reminded my coworkers "Vote for Sanjaya!". I'm convinced there is not one single phrase I could have shouted that would have offended more people at one time. Wow. People are very emotional about this and really want him gone.