Head Shrink

Yesterday, as my family and I drove back home from our Easter weekend roadtrip, I noticed all the cars in my line shifting to go around somebody. As I approached the car that was slowing the flow of traffic, I noticed they had their hazard lights on. What’s the hazard, here? Were they hauling some sort of load? Were they driving on a flat tire? The speed limit is 70 in these parts, and this car was going no faster than 45.

Naturally, as I passed them on the left, I looked over to see what the “hazard” was.

Aha!

It was suddenly very clear to me.

Sitting in the driver’s seat of this slow-moving vehicle was a woman with a tiny, little head. She seemed to be average sized everywhere else, but her head was unnaturally small. I actually slowed my own car down a little bit just to try to study as much of the scene as I could.

“Honey, do you see this?” My wife looked up from her job of entertaining the baby in the backseat.

“Yep. She’s driving pretty slow.”

“I mean her head. Do you see her head?” Before I could get the question out, we had passed the pea-headed woman and her hazardous car. Dammit.

“I missed it,” my wife answered.

“Let me tell you why her hazards were on… She has a tiny head!”

“So does that mean she’s a danger to other drivers?” A good question from my wife.

“I don’t know. I would assume that a smaller head means a smaller brain. Do you think she put the hazard lights on by mistake? Maybe she has poor peripheral vision. You'd think it would be the other way around.”

My wife was done with our conversation, and was back to cooing at the baby. So I was left to consider this situation as I kept my hands at ten and two and found a nice spot in the center lane to settle in for awhile and think.

What's with the head? I also noticed that the tiny-headed woman with the hazard lights on was wearing huge, hoop earrings. What’s the point of that? Is that the same kind of thing as a bald man growing a thick beard? I wished I could have five minutes with this woman to ask her some more questions.

“Why are your hazard lights on?”

“Why were you driving so slow?”

“Can I teach you how to use cruise control? I can write down instructions if it’s too much information for you to store in that head.”

“Do you have to shop for hats in the children’s section?”

“Are those earrings really huge, or do they just look bigger dangling from your tiny ears?”

“Does every pillow feel like a super-sized enormous pillow to you? Is that awesome.”

“When you put on a t-shirt, do you ever accidentally slip your head through the armhole?”

If you have a tiny head, and I’ve offended you, I apologize. But while you’re here, maybe you could answer some of these questions.