Peanut Allergy Phobia

I try not to worry too much, but there are some things that just stick in my mind and won't go away. Why are there expiration dates on bottled water? What will all these women who get boob jobs look like when they're 85-years-old? If I put my favorite shirt in the dryer, will it still cover my belly?

A few days ago, Mrs. Undaground and I were talking, and we both got to worrying about peanut allergies. Neither of us currently suffer from this horrible affliction; we're more concerned with our future children. I've done a little research and I can't find much information on what actually causes the peanut allergy. There are some extreme cases, like the girl in Canada who died from kissing her boyfriend. In most scenarios, you just have to rid your house of nuts and nut-related products. So, here we were, enjoying each others' company in Red Lobster on Sunday, and we began eulogizing a few important peanut products that we now enjoy as a married couple. Personally, these are the 5 biggest things I would miss:

5. Payday: Payday is the most underrated candy bar out there. I agree that it's not for everybody; only people with intelligent taste buds. It's more than just a bunch of peanuts held together by caramel; it's the perfect fusion of sweet and salty, like a multi-cultural party in my mouth.

4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: I can live without the Reese's pieces. If Payday is underrated, Reese's pieces are overrated. I contend that if Eliot had dropped a trail of peanut M&M's throughout the yard instead of Reese's pieces, E.T. would have warmed up to the family a lot quicker, and he may not have been in such a hurry to go home. On the other hand, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups remain the Rolls Royce of candy bars. When we were kids, houses that gave out Reese's on Halloween were at the top of the neighborhood's A-list (the lady who gave out nickels and the creepy old guy with the apples pulled up the rear.) In our continuing quest to be cool, we now live in a Reese's house, and our house has never been egged.

3. Dry-roasted peanuts: What's a football game without these laying around? If we had a peanut-allergy in the house, what could ever replace dry-roasted peanuts? Raisins? Shoot me.

2. Peanut Butter: Peanut butter in general is a terrific substance. Part of the reason we selected it as a color to paint our living room is the good feeling that comes over us when we see peanut butter. Take anything that's considered "boring", like a dry piece of toast or a naked Ritz cracker, and peanut butter will instantly turn the situation around. Let's not forget peanut butter's role in baking. Without it, Betty Crocker would probably have spent her life as a sweaty line-cook instead of the household diva she became.

1. Pad Thai: I don't think I can give this up. The other things on this list are trivial in comparison. Once every week to ten days, Mrs. Undaground and I get the intense Thai food craving. It starts with a tickle in the back of the throat and usually leads to cold sweats, hot flashes, luke warm flickers, and hallucinations (I've seen roller-skating farm animals on more than one occasion). There is no way to alleviate the mind-numbing addiction other than eating the Pad-Thai. Arguably, the most important ingredient in Pad Thai is crushed peanuts (some would argue that they put actual crack in it to hook people). We now have relatives who visit from out-of-town and get the Pad-Thai craving. It's not uncommon for out-of-towners to show up unannounced at our door with a bag of Thai food and a crazed look in their eyes like they just saw Bessie the Cow shuffling to the Sugar Hill Gang at the rink. Since we moved, they don't deliver anymore. That's usually enough motivation to enter detox and give it up, but we wouldn't think of it. In the event of a peanut allergy, we might have to hire a babysitter or send the kid to boarding school. Is that selfish?