Pet Peeves

Does anybody know a good dog whisperer? I speak a little dog language, but I'm really limited to simple commands. Anytime I try to communicate with our dog, Wrigley, I lose her after a few words. She then looks at me with her head cocked sideways, which is the same look I got when we were in Mexico and, in Spanish, I tried to ask the cleaning lady for more towels and another pillow. Turns out that the literal translation of my query was: "Can you bring me a jar of pickles and kick me in the neck?" Anyway, pardon the pun, but I do have some pet peeves that I would like communicated to my dog. Negative reinforcement hasn't worked with her. When I scold her, I think she enjoys the attention and probably thinks I'm loudly saying "You're a wonderful creature" or "Keep it up, you terrific animal". From my experience, I've found that most dogs understand tone; not Wrigley. She also leaves a little to be desired in her ability to detect sarcasm, but many humans have the same problem.

I used to think Wrigley was smart, but then I saw her walk into a sliding glass door, twice. I can understand doing it once. Hell, I've done it once; large glass surfaces can be tricky, but you would think even a dog would not let it happen a second time. On the intelligence scale, I place my dog somewhere between a guinea pig and a wall clock. There are dogs out there that can dial 9-1-1, or lead a blind man across the street, or find drugs in the airport. I'm not asking her to solve a Good Will Hunting math problem, I just want her to stop doing some things that annoy me.

Pet Peeve #1: Licking my arm
When I'm sitting in my chair, Wrigley has this annoying habit of sneaking up behind me like a dog ninja to lick me on the arm. She has done this at least once every night since we moved into our new house. I realize that sometimes my arm might taste like fried food, but I'm confident that most of the time it tastes like soap. Each time, I say "Wrigley, don't lick my arm. I don't enjoy it. I'm a man, and you're supposed to be man's best friend." I need this to be communicated to her in dog language so she stops.

Pet Peeve #2: The Rain
We always thought she hated the rain. Now that we have a dog-door, and she uses her own discretion in entering and leaving the house, we've found that she loves to play in the rain. I used to enjoy playing in the rain when I was a child. Now, it's not so fun anymore. Going by dog years, Wrigley and I are both in our mid-30's. It's time for her to grow up. Again, she needs to hear this from someone who speaks fluent dog.

Pet Peeve #3: Save the music!
I whistle when I call the dog. It's the same whistle every time. I need her to be able to distinguish between that whistle and me whistling along to music. I have been robbed of the joy of whistling along to many songs since I got the dog, because she believes that every whistle on earth is intended for her and comes barreling into the room as soon as I purse my lips. "Sittin on the Dock of the Bay" just aint the same when you can't whistle along. Every time I hear "Walk Like an Egyptian" and I can't whistle along, I'm doing myself and the Bangles a great disservice.

Pet Peeve #4: Jumping on People
For five years, she's been jumping on people. It's like crack to her. She's addicted and there needs to be an intervention.

Pet Peeve #5: Personal Hygiene
This is a touchy subject, because I know it will embarrass her. When I find a dog whisperer or a English-K9 dictionary, I need this information communicated word for word: Wrigley, it's great that you clean yourself. I'm proud of you for figuring this out on your own, without the help of any books or videotapes. I agree that you need to be clean all over your dog body. Don't stop cleaning yourself. However, could you find a better time to do it than in our bedroom, when we are trying to fall asleep? What is it that you do between the hours of 7am and 5pm every day when we're at work? I know you're busy, and you probably have many appointments to keep throughout the day. I realize that it's hard work shedding hair on the floor and that you can hardly find the time to bark at the pool guy, but maybe some proper planning could benefit us both. Have you considered making a checklist in the morning? If possible, how about cleaning your business during the daylight hours. It's loud and it's not something we need to hear. You don't see me clipping my toenails at the dinner table, do you? I think I've made my point.

Conclusion:
If you can successfully communicate with a dog, please don't hesitate to let us know. We'll have you over for a nice meal and a little sitdown meeting with Wrigley. She'll probably be surprised to hear all of this, but I think it's for the best. We'll even throw in dessert if you can talk to cats. We'd like our cats to know that we appreciate the effort, but bringing dead or injured creatures in the house is not something they need to do to prove their love to us. If they truly want to show us how they feel, maybe they could pull some weeds in the yard or clean the gutters.