Cha-Ching

Happy belated Mother's Day to all mothers and mothers-to-be out there. We "celebrated" by taking our first family trip to Babies R Us. It was very sobering.

First, since I'm a big fan of gadgetry, we checked out the baby monitors. I like the video monitor, but it does cost a little extra. It would be nice to have the video thing. What if the kid decided to smile or clap his/her hands for the first time with no humans present to witness it? A video monitor would make sure we didn't miss it. Cha-Ching.

We then walked through the maze of car seats. These are very nice. Turns out we'll be able to start out with an infant car seat with a base for each car, then switch to two of the bigger car seats that don't come with individual bases. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.

We'll need a stroller for festivals and parks, and a smaller stroller to travel with; possibly a third stroller if I ever want to take up jogging. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.

The high chairs are cool. Mrs. Undaground and I like the Eddie Bauer model. Why not live it up a little for that first mashed potato experience? If you're going to smear food all over a piece of furniture, why not go top-of-the-line? Cha-ching.

One of the things we're looking forward to is decorating and furnishing the nursery. If I were a little more metro-sexual, I may have chosen a career as an interior decorator. Crib, changing table, dresser. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. What's that Mom-to-be? You like the wall unit with the hutch? All of those pregnancy books tell me I should agree with everything you say for a few more months so you don't get stressed out, so I say "Let's go for it." Cha-ching.

Mrs. Undaground informed me that crib mattresses are sold separately. Cha-ching.

We definitely need a glider-rocker. Oooh, this one is comfortable. I could live with this thing. Let's just check out the tag. Wow! $600? Ottoman sold separately for $250? Who buys a chair without an ottoman? Wait, here's one for $150 for the whole set. Let's sit on this one. Feels like concrete. Cha-ching, cha-ching.

Ouch. I might have to dust off my waiter shoes and pick up a few weekend shifts at a local eatery so our baby can be rocked in a suitable chair. It turns out, babies are expensive. I had no idea. I can't even bring myself to write about the research we've been doing on the cost of daycare. It's too depressing. On the bright side, Mrs. Undaground is now actively encouraging me in my quest to win the World Series of Poker.

Whatever happened to the old days? I'm not talking about the 70's'; I'm talking about the covered wagon days. All a baby needed then was a blanket and a boob, and all was well. I guess there was a greater risk of being carried off by a coyote, so video monitors could have been helpful, but that's about it.

No wonder I washed my parents' cars and mowed the lawn when I was a kid. I owed them. I've already got a to-do list for this unborn child that I'll present to him/her on their 11th or 12th birthday. I'm thinking that by the time the baby's a toddler, I can teach him/her how to perform simple tasks like retrieving the remote control or brushing the dog. Until then, we'll just have to deal with a freeloader for a couple of years.