Say No to Crack

My wife is just four months pregnant, and I can already see that I'm becoming more conservative and more protective of family values. I'm cursing up a storm these days, because I read that a fetus can hear sounds from the outside world at six months. To me, that means I have two months more to let the expletives fly before I invent some new words to use for emphasis or to express frustration. I've also begun taking a look at the world around me with a more critical eye. Even at this early state of parenthood, I've started to prepare myself mentally for when my child begins asking lots of questions about birds and bees and ass cracks.

In the late 70's and early 80's, our country was overrun by an epidemic frequently referred to as plumbers' crack. At the time, is was mostly portly gentlemen who happened to be handy with a wrench. The fashion industry has now come full-circle, and it seems that low rider jeans and pants are what the females are wearing. Apparently, belts are not required.

I see gratuitous butt crack almost every day. Whether it be at work, bars or restaurants, pixelated butt crack on MTV, or just about any other public place, it's everywhere. I'm not one to judge other people, but it's safe to say that very few of these exhibitionists are supermodels. Most have similar body types to the original plumbers in the 70's. Now that I'm bringing a child into this world, I feel like I need to let the world know that their butt crack is showing before I have to prematurely explain to my son or daughter that it's not OK to show strangers your ass.

But how do you let someone know? Next time I see someone's ass, should I just walk up and say, "Excuse me. I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but your butt is showing?" I might get punched, or they might think I'm coming on to them.

I understand the need to keep up with today's fashion. I tried growing my hair like Ashton Kutcher, so I'm just as guilty as the next guy.

Here's a tip. Next time you sit down somewhere or bend down to grab something, put your hand on your lower back where your belt loop is. If you feel your butt crack, it's probably visible. Maybe try the buddy system. When you and a friend are out in public, do them a favor and check their crack, then they can check yours in return... for the kids.