Wanted: Evil Spider Monkey

I am Purel's customer of the year. I wash my hands with a frequency that would make any OCD patient proud of me. Since October 1, I've turned into a bonafide germaphobe in an effort to protect the 7 pound creature who has taken over our home. Somehow, this has backfired and I now have an ass-kicking cold.

I remember a simpler time, when I could cough freely and throw caution to the wind in these situations. In fact, I live by the "feed a cold" strategy and take those opportunities to eat with less guilt.

Now, everything has changed and I'm tiptoeing around the house hoping not to infect the Undaling or Mrs. Undaground. This is very difficult, considering I'm the go-to person in the household for swaddling duty. So, I will continue to administer the Vitamin C I-V drip and popping Echinacea tablets like they're Chicklets.

But mark my words, I will find the evil spider monkey who is carrying this wretched virus I've somehow contracted. Then, I will nail him with a tranquilizer dart, put him in a dunk tank/display case in my front yard and charge gullible neighborhood children their entire allowance to dunk the monkey. Stupid freaking monkey.