Nuts

Lately, I've been on quite an almond kick. I've already raved about the Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Nut granola bars. Some of you have told me that you've added them to your weekly shopping list. The almond flavored ones are definitely a cut above the rest.

Oprah told me that almonds are a superfood. They're actually good for you. Because Oprah told me so, I've started having almonds as an afternoon snack. They're quite tasty. Yes, they have a good deal of fat in them, but it's still better than a bag of Fritos.

I've also recently had some delicious ice cream with almonds as a main ingredient. Lately, in my life, almonds are everywhere (and I couldn't be happier about it).

You get the point. Almonds are great. Peanuts are good, too. But if peanuts are a Toyota, almonds are a Lexus.

I rushed home from work one day last week to share an idea with my wife. This was going to be big. We were going to be able to get this patented and start a new life in a mega-mansion. I've been waiting patiently for my "big idea", and it finally came to me while I was enjoying some afternoon almonds.

"Honey. Are you ready for this? I'm going to share a huge idea with you since you're my wife and I know I can trust you. You have to assure me you won't tell anybody until we button it all up and get the ball rolling."

"What is it? Tell me!"

"Everything's about to change in our lives, babe. I promise you that I'll remain a down-to-earth guy, even in the face of extreme wealth and fame."

"What's your idea?"

"You know I love almonds, right?"

"Of course. I saw the $12 bag you bought at the Fresh Market."

"Well, they're a superfood, so I thought it was a wise investment. Turns out, that 12 dollar bag of nuts is going to make us both rich."

"What? How? Tell me the big news."

"Almond butter." As soon as I said it aloud, my appreciation for my own creativity almost made me lose my balance.

My wife was equally impressed and very supportive. "Almond butter. Sounds great. I'd buy some."

That night, we started talking about how we would invest our riches. We both decided that we'd like to take some time off, get a new house, a couple of new cars, then we'd travel to all kinds of cool places that we've seen on the Amazing Race. Finally, we'd return to South Florida and open up a sports bar and grill where we could enjoy tasty sandwiches featuring almond butter, the new peanut butter. We also decided that we'd like to give some of our money to charity, but we don't want our donations to be publicized. We'd be globe-trotting, bar-owning philanthropists. This was our big break.

The next morning I went to work. It would be sad to leave this place, but there was no reason to keep punching a timecard after this incredible invention. I sat down at my computer, and, just to be sure, I typed "almond butter" into Google. Here's what came up:

Results 1 - 10 of about 218,000 for "almond butter"

Oops.

Who knew? Have I led such a sheltered life that I was unaware of this product? Has anybody ever bought a jar of almond butter? I've never seen a commercial for it. Whoever is in charge of marketing the stuff is doing a horrible job and should be fired.

Back to the drawing board, I guess. This doesn't change the fact that I love almonds, but I guess I won't be profiting from them any time soon.