Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Guest Column from THE UNDAGROUND MOM

The long-awaited return of the Undaground Mom is here! For those of you who check this site every day, sifting through the usual drivel and waiting for the occasional gold coin, here it is. As usual, her prose will be presented in her very own font and text color (verdana and blue #2).

"Blue #2", incidentally, is also what a Smurf makes after eating Indian food.

Take it away, Undaground Mom:

It’s the little things in life.

Happiness: Using the ladies room early at work. I am delighted when I enter a stall and find the toilet seat up. This would annoy me at home because it would indicate a lazy male is nearby. At work, the same discovery assures me the bathroom has been recently cleaned and I am the first user. There will be no contact with any surface, I will flush with my foot as usual, but the fact remains that Lysol was recently involved.

Skepticism: Entering the stall in the morning and finding the toilet seat up. What if the cleaning crew had neared the end of their shift and needed to take some shortcuts? What if they just scurried around the building and lifted all the seats and chuckled all the way home as they replayed the deception in their heads?

Unnatural fear: A dryer fire. I will not leave the dryer on when I leave the house. This may be normal not unnatural, but I’ve never asked anyone their thoughts on this subject. To those I know and love – please, please check your lint screens after every load and only run the dryer when you’re nearby.

Disappointment: I wonder why I look forward - with great anticipation - to checking the mailbox every day. I feel like a kid expecting a birthday card from grandma that has a loving note written in a shaky hand and $5 enclosed. Instead, I walk back to the house with a handful of bills, political pleas, some stupid envelope with a big green thumb on it and (on a good day) a Costco flyer. Who do I think is going to actually write and mail me a letter? I use email and I’m out of stamps so it’s not as if I’m waiting for a response to some letter I’ve sent. Still, I’ll go home again today hoping the mailman has been there already and eagerly grab whatever he leaves me.

Discovering new tastes: I have been eating Bing Cherry preserves for several years but it just isn’t the best mate for peanut butter. Bing stands on it’s own and is best enjoyed as the solo topping on toast or a bagel. Grape jelly seems childish to me. Strawberry preserves are a step up from grape but once in a while you bite into a little seed not quite small enough to go undetected. This interference is more prevalent in raspberry jam. I run the risk of teeth staining with blueberry. So, after an exhausting search – my new favorite pal of peanut butter – PINEAPPLE!


Living on the edge: When I’m 3 houses down from my driveway, I unbuckle my seatbelt.

Secrets: Secrets make you sick so here goes mine. Sometimes, around 2 in the morning I hear a lapping sound. I open my eyes just a little and see my cat drinking out of my water glass on my nightstand. I wake up parched between 4 and 4:30 and take a sip anyway. Now that it’s out I realize it’s not the secret that makes me sick, it’s the thought of the cat’s backwash.

Dreams: I started buying lottery tickets on Fridays. It’s been 3 weeks since I started. I am convinced I will win. I wouldn’t buy a ticket if I thought any differently. As soon as I come out of the Friendly Food Mart with the ticket, my brain gets busy with the litany of my charitable works and earthly desires. By the time the numbers are picked, I have decided once again that I will quit my job and not sell my house to replace it with a mansion. I won’t announce my windfall right away. I’ll invest wisely and not make any hasty decisions. I promise my Maker I will be humble and generous. I’m not sure why this hasn’t happened yet so I’m prepared with my end of the week request, “Five quick picks for the Mega-million please.”

How about you? What little thing in life is worth noting?


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My need for Caller ID:
We pay extra each month to have this wonderful service. It is supposed to be used not only to see who is calling you but to also screen calls so that you don't have to answer every call. I just can't get the hang of the screening part. I answer the phone every single time no matter if I know the number or not. Two nights ago, the phone rang at 10pm and we had no idea who it was but I had to answer it. Well, it was surely the wrong number because it turned out to be a collect call from an inmate at the county jail...a person whom I did not know. Guess I will start screening from now on!