Lunch Lady

I switched it up a bit for lunch this week. Inspired by my wife's endorsement, I've been microwaving Panini sandwiches on a "revolutionary grilling tray".

The sandwiches are low in calories and delicious, and I'm not left feeling hungry all afternoon, for a change. Unfortunately, after I eat one, I have the overwhelming urge to go shopping for shoes and then watch Grey's Anatomy.

Yes, the brand name on these microwaveable miracles is "Lean Cuisine". It's a brand that is historically marketed to women. I'm not sure what to do about this. I once ate a "Luna" bar that my wife had bought, only to look down at the wrapper and read "nutrition for women". What? Was a simple granola bar going to raise my estrogen levels to dangerous heights?

Bottom line is, I like the paninis. However, I'm not sure I want to deal with the self-consciousness involved with microwaving it in front of others at work. They make it impossible to be discreet, since the cardboard box itself acts as the cooking platform. I've considered making a quick-switch and sliding a "Hungry Man" box under the grilling tray, but I'm not sure I want to go through all that.

The other day, I made stupid small talk with the woman using the microwave in front of me. It was brought on by my gender confusion. She happened to be cooking up a lean cuisine of her own.

"So, let me get this straight, you put the whole box in the microwave?" (clearly I knew this already, as I can read the box)

"Yes. Southwestern Chicken. They're good," she answered. (I'm sure she was doing a double take at this point to confirm she was, indeed, talking to a man).

"I figured I'd try it because my wife raves about them." (If you consider 'they're pretty good' to be a rave review)

I can't do this every day. I despise small talk. I could buy a microwave for my office to avoid the public scrutiny, but I'm not sure that's a wise investment.

Does anybody have any contacts in the Lean Cuisine marketing department? Maybe they can make a commercial aimed at men and run it during football games or something. I don't want to be the one to blur the gender line. I don't think I'd want my son to have a Barbie Dreamhouse, so I'm not sure how he'll feel about his father eating like a woman.