Yuletide Turkey Sandwich

After the positive reaction from fans of the Castro and even those who tried the "Brilliant Idea" (cranberry juice mixed with ginger ale), I felt compelled to post a food recipe to soak up all those beverages.

I like cookbooks. I like to read them and point to stuff and grunt. Then, one day, Mrs. Undaground brings the pages of the book to life and I'm eating what I pointed at. It's amazing, really. My one pet peeve about cookbooks are the ones with no pictures. I'm a visual person, and I like to see what I'm going to eat. Granted, I think every fine dining establishment should copy the Denny's model and put pictures in their menus, but I digress. Let's just say that when I become president of Barnes and Noble, I will walk the aisles with a rolling dumpster and get rid of all the cookbooks without photos (yes, that means you Rachel Ray). So, for the Yuletide Turkey Sandwich, I offer visual aid.

Here's what you will need:

Bread (2 slices per sandwich)
Turkey Breast
Sliced Cheese (preferable Swiss, but in this case I used sharp american)
Ken's Lite Creamy Parmesan salad dressing
George Foreman grill (a toaster will do, but it won't be as tasty)

approximate prep time: 5 minutes
approximate cooking time: 3 minutes
approximate eating time: depends on size of mouth and intent of eater.
makes: 2 sandwiches
serves: 1 large man OR 2 adults OR 4 little people

Step one: Spread Ken's Lite Creamy Parmesan over bread

Step two: Assemble sandwiches. Top to bottom, it should go like this: bread, dressing, cheese, turkey, dressing, bread. Here's what it looks like without the bread on top:

Step 3: Put the sandwiches on the George Foreman Grill and close the cover. My George Foreman is a "fat reducing" grill. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm comforted by the name because this seems likes it's not the most healthy sandwich (that's why it's a Yuletide Sandwich). Grill for about 3 minutes, or until lightly browned.

Step 4: While sandwiches are grilling, feed any excess cheese to animal. Don't overdo it. I almost lost my hand in this photo.

Step 5: Remove sandwiches from grill. Cut diagonally. Garnish with potato chips. Serve warm. Enjoy.

karma

woo hoo. found one of these in the dryer:

when I do leave the house, i shall treat myself to five dollars worth of these:

life is good.

ahhhh. vacation.

good morning blog readers,

i am officially on vacation til january 4. i'm not sure when i'll return to using capital letters. the shift key is a long way away and i'm really not looking to work very hard today.

i am, however, doing laundry to prepare for our trip to the frozen tundra of new jersey. mrs. undaground will be pleased. her clothes are very small and difficult to fold, but i'll try to work through it for the good of our marriage.

happy holidays to all ethnicities and religions. may your supreme being smile down on you and your non-denominational decorations if you happen to be celebrating anything this month.

sorry to cut this short, but i want to save my strength for later today. i'm planning to walk to the mailbox at some point and don't want to get short of breath. ahhh, vacation.

My triumphant return to the stage

I'm pleased to announce, that I've been offered a speaking role in a stage production of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". The part is for the voice of Mr. Salt, Veruca Salt's wealthy father. I'm told I won't be seen on stage, it will simply be my voice. Mrs. Undaground's class is putting on the play, and apparently a talent scout recommended me and my pipes. I'm really excited to get back in the game and I'm encouraged by the idea that it's never too late for a comeback. Some actors, like Morgan Freeman, didn't even hit their stride until they were well into their 50's.

The Undaground's Acting Credits:

Grease (1979) - Danny Zuka: This second grade performance was really a coming out party. Unfortunately, for many years, this part defined me and I was unable to find work. Casting decision-makers just couldn't get past my rendition of "Alone at the Drive-In". I also had a little bit of child actor's syndrome and while the Grease play was a critical success, my acting career suffered for it. If the E! True Hollywood Story is ever made, they will no doubt focus in on this era in my acting career.

The Outsiders (1984) - Randy: I mentioned the Randy character a few days ago, first made famous by Darren Dalton. This 7th grade play was also a critical success and because I'd been on hiatus through 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th grades, I was forced to take a lesser role, hoping to catapult myself back into the public consciousness.

A Christmas Carol (1984) - Ebenezer Scrooge: The strategy in playing a smaller part in The Outsiders worked, and I beat out two other kids for the coveted part of Scrooge. My accomplishment was a little tainted, though, since I don't think I was the first choice for the role. One of the other kids got the chicken pox and the other was suspended for swearing in Social Studies class, so I may have gotten the part by default. Nonetheless, I think the play went well, and I remembered all my lines. It was after this play that the pressure really got to me again and, like the Olsen twins, I decided to pursue my studies until I was ready for more adult roles (even though by seventh grade, I had already played a high school hood and an elderly miser.)

The Blues Brothers (1994) - Elwood: This was just a musical performance of "Rawhide", but it was panned by critics because I wore navy blue instead of the Blues Brothers' trademark black. I didn't think that anyone would notice, but the stagehand working the lights didn't do me any favors. After this, I once again left the stage for awhile to concentrate on writing and directing.

Survivor Audition Tape (2002) - Boy: Eager to get back in the game, I made a short appearance in my then-roommate's Survivor audition tape. I may have overacted a bit, and he didn't get chosen for the show.

So, that brings us to the present day and this upcoming performance as Mr. Salt. I've been experimenting with some different accents, but I want to stay true to the script. I was thinking that he may seem a little more vulnerable if I gave him a stutter, but I need to pitch the director on that idea. I'll let you know how it goes.

A Brilliant Idea

Type "brilliant idea" into Google, and the first thing that comes up is:

The Million Dollar Homepage

It really is a brilliant idea. If you have time, read the FAQ on his site to find out what he's doing, then read his blog from the bottom up to see how someone becomes a millionaire in a few months with one good idea.

It really is humbling. My best idea recently was to mix ginger ale with cranberry juice for a tasty, afternoon beverage. Not sure that one will get me a million dollars though. Back to the drawing board.

Monday

Last night's dinner was incredible. Mrs. Undaground made Mom's Chicken Curry which is usually reserved for my birthday meal. I really, really, really like this dish, and Mrs. Undaground has perfected the recipe. I'm afraid, though, that I may have overindulged because I feel like I was hit by a truck sometime late last night or early this morning. The real concern for me is that I want to be 100% for tonight because there's leftovers.

Scanning the news from over the weekend, I found more proof that Tom Cruise is, in fact, an alien. Try to picture this scene, which happened in a toy store:

But the real show was put on by Tom and his pregnant fiancée,
with both of them performing on top of the store's giant piano – jumping,
bouncing, trying to tickle out a tune on the ivories. At one point, Tom did a
handstand. Katie must have approved: She clapped and laughed before the couple
embraced and shared a long, 30-second kiss.

There are a lot of celebrity couples out there that seem like they would be fun to hang out with. Ben and Jen seem well-rounded. We could probably have a fun time having dinner with Oprah and Steadman. Tom and Katie just seem a little bit crazy.

I'm all-for public displays of affection, but 30 seconds, on top of a piano, in a toy store, is a long time to make out in a questionable setting. I'm just saying, if Tom and Katie ever call us to socialize, we will probably say we have other plans. Not to be a snob or anything. I'm a big fan of Top Gun. I just think that even though Maverick was a loose cannon, the actor who played him may be from outer space.

My Living Will

It's something we don't like to talk about, yet we must prepare. Looking back over 2005, Terry Schiavo's death was an event that got people talking about how they'd like to be treated in the same situation. Lesson learned. I've already expressed some of my feelings on this subject to Mrs. Undaground, but I don't want there to be any confusion so I've decided to post it on my blog.

First, if my story somehow becomes newsworthy, make sure that you release a good picture of me to the media. Back in 2002, I was getting my haircut and the lady snipped my widow's peak off. I always thought it made me look a little like a vampire, so I was glad to see it go. For this reason, please use a photo taken after 2002. During the Summer of 2004, I had some pretty good hair days so you might want to look there for a good photo. I have a problem smiling properly for posed pictures, so if you can find a candid shot where it looks like I'm a fun guy, let's use that one. Please stick to still photographs and not video clips. I can't stand the way my voice sounds on tape. Thanks.

I was struck by the movie Million Dollar Baby, which also addressed these issues. I don't plan to get in the ring with any professional female boxers anytime soon, so that lowers my risk. What really bugged me about that movie was the silence in her hospital room. Maybe she wouldn't have been so depressed if somebody played some music, or put the television on. Silence is fine from 11pm to 8am, but please provide some entertainment during other dayparts. Bouncy, happy music would be cool. I like the blues, but I'm not sure I'd be in the mood. Also, if there's a West Virginia game on TV, I don't want to miss it. I know I get a little upset when they lose, so go ahead and turn it off if we ever fall behind by more than 21 points.

You might remember the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby faked an illness and Joe Namath came to visit him. I'm not expecting such a high-profile celebrity, but somebody would be nice. Speaking of the Brady Bunch, Florence Henderson would suffice. Any celebrity would work. No Jared from Subway, though. I can't stand that guy.

I don't know much about feeding tubes, so I'm not sure if this is even possible, but I'll put it here anyway in case they get more advanced technology. I believe that parmesan cheese makes almost everything better. If the hospital can't help with this, maybe you can find some custom gourmet bags at a medical supply shop. As always, please follow the following guidelines for feedings: mustard for pork, mayo for poultry, ketchup or horseradish sauce for beef. I realize that this is common knowledge among my loved ones, but I just want to document it so there's no confusion. Oh, and the house dressing is fine with me.

Flowers are nice, too. Mrs. Undaground likes sunflowers so let's go with those. Keep in mind that I'm allergic to pollen and cats, so let's not go overboard on the flowers and it's probably best not to send any cats (I think the postal service frowns on this anyway).

Finally, if there's a plug, I want a surge protector. I also want somebody hired to guard the wall outlet. A mall security guard would be good, or the guy who checks the receipts at Costco.

I'm sorry if I alarmed anyone. I'm still of sound mind and sound body, with the exception of some lower back pain.

Movie Villain Makeover

Yes, it only took 6 posts before I resorted to a "Makeover Show". I'm happy to report that Tyra Banks used the makeover crutch in her first show, and look how well she's doing.

The more I thought about the Harry Potter movie, the more I thought Voldemort was a weak villain. Sure, they're setting him up for the next movie, but how about leaving us a little frightened? He barely managed to hold his own against a teenaged wizard who is still in wizard school. Yes, the absence of a nose is scary, but scary in a third nipple kind of way. I want Darth Vader scary. We recently learned that Darth Vader had no arms and legs. Did he just go about his day, trying to be a villain from a hospital bed? No, he got scary mechanical limbs and learned to talk like James Earl Jones. But we can't expect Voldemort to outperform Darth Vader, who is widely regarded as the greatest movie villain of all-time. Let's lower the bar a little and set some attainable goals before Harry Potter 5 is shot. First, let's take one more look at the old Voldemort:

To make Voldemort over, we will look no further than the great decade of the 1980's, and some spectacular villains that any movie would be proud of.

THE HAIR
"Okay... okay... you've stated your position clearly, now I'm gonna state mine: GET IN THE F***ING CAR, NOW!"
Keifer Sutherland as Ace (Stand by Me): Long before he was saving the world each year by staying awake all night and fighting terrorists, Keifer Sutherland was sporting some totally awesome 80's movie villain hair.

THE NOSE
"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong"
Jerry Orbach as Dr. Jake Houseman (Dirty Dancing): Dr. Houseman just wanted the best for his child, and here's this Johnny Castle guy who no doubt victimizes another young girl each summer. He dad to the nerve to tell her own father that "Nobody puts Baby in a corner". If she was my daughter, I don't think I could be so calm, yet somehow he's the villain in this movie. Voldemort could learn a thing or two about subtlety from Orbach. First and foremost, he needs a nose, and Orbach's schnoz should fit him just right.

THE CLOTHES
"You can't win. You know that, don't you? It doesn't matter if you whip us, you'll still be where you were before, at the bottom. And we'll still be the lucky ones at the top with all the breaks. "
Darren Dalton as Randy Anderson(The Outsiders): Who else other than a kid from the right side of the tracks could pull off a stylish sweater at a rumble? Yes, the greasers got all the glory, mostly because of their brat pack-laden performances. If this story had been told from the soc's perspective, "Let's do it for Johnny" would have probably been a line in The Karate Kid, cause Johnny's friends would do it for Johnny.

THE POSSE
"STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR."
William Zabka as Johnny Lawrence (Karate Kid): Johnny had some loyal friends; Voldemort needs to do better in this area. Even after Johnny got his ass kicked by Mr. Myagi, his friends from the Cobra Kai stuck by him. One of them even went after Daniel LaRusso's knee knowing he'd get himself disqualified. He was just trying to give Johnny a better chance to win. And can anyone honestly say they've cheered on a friend as energetically as the Cobra Kai who popped an artery screaming "Get him the body bag!" just before Johnny's chin fell victim to the crane technique?

ONE MORE THING
One more thing and the makeover is complete. For this, we don't need to travel back to the 80's. A trip to any drugstore should do the trick.

By borrowing from some of the 80's top villains, Voldemort is ready for Harry Potter 5. Maybe now he can be a more formidable opponent for Harry and the gang.

Where's the flood?

This morning was just like any other morning. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, ate a hearty breakfast and went to work. Soon after I arrived at work, I made a horrific discovery. This took me back to 7th grade in a hurry. I was wearing floods. I don't know what they call them where you're from: highwaters, clamdiggers, knickers, capri pants... We always called them floods, and for young males in their adolescent years, they were hard to avoid. It was easy to find myself wearing a pair of floods back then, when I was growing several inches a year. Now, there's no excuse.

I'm sure people at work noticed, even though I tried to keep my walking in open spaces down to a minimum. Mercifully, nobody pointed them out to me, not that I wasn't painfully aware of my issues. I picked the wrong day to wear white socks with brown shoes. Thank God I didn't wear the Tazmanian Devil Christmas socks.

Nobody, except for one person, has ever been able to pull-off floods.

And that was a long, long time ago. Damn it, these pants were in the regular rotation. Comfortable, sensible, roomy. Old Navy cargo pants. I went up a size in the waist for these, and I haven't been disappointed. I'd throw them on in the morning with a belt, and boy did I feel svelte. Not only could I carry my keys and wallet and loose change in the front pockets, I could carry small tools, or granola bars, or woodland creatures in the extra side pockets. Cargo pants, what a great freakin invention, and I had a pair. Until now.

I am left with five, very clear choices. I don't see any other options. I must choose one of the following things to do:

• Wear them anyway. I'm married, what do I care?
• Throw them away. They're dead to me.
• Cut them off below the side pockets. Yard work shorts?
• Cut them off above the side pockets. Daisy Dukes?
• Buy a pair of high-top sneakers to mask the problem.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Tomorrow, the Movie Villain Makeover.

The Undaground Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

As usual, Mrs. Undaground and I chose an afternoon matinee to screen this film. The matinee is really the way to go if you generally don't like a lot of people. It also gives long-legged folks like me a much better shot at comfort, though at 2 1/2 hours this experience still left my backside feeling like I'd spent the afternoon riding a camel. Attention movie theater owners: I will pay more for a comfortable seat. I know that theaters frown on bringing in your own Snow Caps and a 2-liter bottle of pop, but I wonder if I could get away with smuggling in a lumbar pillow and a beaded car seat like the cab drivers use.

There were only five other people in the theater: two couples and a creepy guy lurking in the back corner wearing plastic Harry Potter glasses and a bathrobe that I guess was supposed to be a wizard's cloak. The previews featured a Superman trailer. Apparently, they're remaking Superman now. I'm OK with remakes, but shouldn't there be a rule for how long they have to wait? Is the Christopher Reeve movie such a distant memory now that we need to replace it with a new one? I guess they'll be remaking Titanic soon. If they do, maybe they can change the ending. I didn't see that coming, so it was a real bummer for me.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is a movie that can't stand on its own. You have to see the movies before it, I think, to understand what's going on. The director assumes you know the drill, so they skip over a lot of stuff very quickly to get to what this movie is really all about, puberty. We join the kids as they're beginning their fourth year at Hogwarts, a high-school for wizards, witches and carnival workers' kids. The main characters still seem like the young group at school so I don't think Hogwarts offers any four-year degrees. Maybe there's a vocational tech-type place for students who want to enter the workforce sooner than Hogwarts allows. There's plenty of work for you out there if you know a little magic. At the very least, you can get a job at Walmart and impress your coworkers with card tricks.

Throughout the entire film, Harry Potter is wallowing in teen angst. He has a scar on his head that I think he's self-conscious about. He's always covering it up with a pained look on his face. He should really ask his friend Hermione for some concealer because he doesn't have to suffer like this. Harry and his friend Ron are nervous about who to ask to the big dance. Harry seems to dig an Asian girl that smiled at him on the train, but I'm thinking he should ask Winnie Cooper til I realize I'm not watching the Wonder Years. What's worse for Harry, someone has apparently volunteered him to compete in some huge wizard competition. For this competition, they bussed-in two other schools. The first is an all-girls school that has a really strict dress code consisting of light blue flight attendant suits. The other school is made up of a bunch of fraternity guys from Belgium.

It was right about this time that the movie was ruined for me. Even though there were only five other people in the theater, one of them (not the guy in the robe), was having serious sinus issues. Every five or six seconds, he/she would sniff very loudly to try to get a handle on whatever was happening with his/her nose. I can sympathize, because I have allergies, but I don't think I could sniff that loud if I had a soundboard and a microphone. Then, every five minutes or so, the woman next to this person would hand them a tissue and they would blow their nose so loudly and with such a horn sound that I was questioning if this was even human or if Ashton Kutcher was going to run into the theater and tell us we were being Punk'd. Again, kudos to the trumpeteer for trying to stop the madness, but I was lost now as far as the movie was concerned and could only enjoy the 3 or 4 seconds of movie dialogue in between the loud, slurping soundtrack coming from the other side of the aisle. I couldn't even tell if this was a man or woman or industrial equipment because the sound was so demonic that it had no gender.

My wife never ceases to amaze me, and this time was no exception. After about a half hour of this medieval torture, I looked over at her and raised my eyebrows. You know the look. The look that says, "Can you believe this crap? We came to the matinee to avoid this stuff." She had no idea what was going on. Do I have superhuman hearing? I don't think so, since I rarely hear the timer on the microwave from the living room. When my wife's alarm clock goes off, I don't even hear it. People probably mutter things under their breath to me all the time and I'm happily oblivious to it after years of live concerts and loud music in the car. I said "Don't you hear that snorting? It's driving me nuts, and how did Harry Potter end up at the dance with the Middle Eastern girl?" She said she hadn't noticed the sniffing, but now she does. I think I might have ruined the movie for her a little bit since I opened her ears to the hell I was experiencing. For better or for worse, in good times and in bad, I'm happy to have such a supportive partner who is so willing to be annoyed with me.

I mustered all of my concentration multi-tasking skills and tried to figure out what was going on with the movie. Near the end of the movie, Voldemort, the guy who put the scar on Harry's head, had figured out a way to get a new body just in time for Harry Potter #5 which I think will be called Harry Potter and the Electric Razor. I'm a little disappointed in Voldemort's choices, though. He ended up getting a body without a nose. If you're going to come back from the dead and get a new body, wouldn't you make sure you've found one with all of the facial features? Besides never being able to smell the sweet aroma of brownies baking in the oven, how in the heck is he going to be able to wear sunglasses without a nose? Whatever obstacles arise from not having a nose, I'm sure the person with the extremely loud sniffles would happily trade faces with him.

After the movie, I loitered by the door of the theater for a moment, determined to look the devil in the eyes and see who it was that provided such a symphony of snot all afternoon. That person ended up being a teenaged boy at the movie with his mom. Speaking of magic, the mom produced tissue after tissue out of her purse throughout the whole movie and the kid must have blown his nose twenty times. Despite the mom's best efforts, the boy walked out of the theater still snorting like a farm animal. I think that a good cold and flu medicine could go a long way toward easing his teen angst.

The Undaground Movie Rating for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:

3 out of 5 stars

Eggnog Recipe

As promised, here is a quick and easy recipe for "Special Eggnog". My grandfather always called it a "Castro". I'm not sure where he got that name, but feel free to use it. There is a drink called a Fidel Castro, but the main ingredient is ginger ale, not eggnog. This makes sense since eggnog is much more likely to stick to your beard, making you a target for ridicule from your communist friends. Those communists love physical comedy.

There is only a short window of time when this drink is appropriate. It's the same window of time when it's OK to play your John Denver and the Muppets CD, basically the day after Thanksgiving til New Years Eve. Gluttony is not looked upon as harshly during this time of year. Drinking fatty dairy drinks and slipping into turkey comas is not only accepted, it's expected. I haven't done the nutritional research, but drinking eggnog is probably no more hazardous to your health than jumping behind the counter at Dairy Queen and catching soft serve ice cream in your mouth straight from the tap. In both cases, you may get a headache, but it's well worth it.

First, you'll need glasses. If you're married, you probably registered for two sizes of glasses, the highball and the double old-fashioned (or, the tall one and the short one). Unless you want a house full of sleeping drunks by mid-afternoon, find the short ones. Mine are in the top cabinet with other things whose purpose is a mystery to me. Reach behind the corn starch and the baking soda, and you should find the right glasses.

I saw Martha Stewart making eggnog on the Today Show last week and hers involved mixing bowls and real eggs. There will be none of that here. The fine folks at your neighborhood grocery store have already done the heavy lifting for you, and all you'll need is the following ingredients:

-The short glasses you got when you got married
-Eggnog
-Light rum
-Ice
-Nutmeg (or cinnamon if you don't have any)

One person, you, should be responsible for all of the special eggnogs (or castros) that are made and served. This is not a difficult recipe; it's so easy that you probably don't even need this recipe unless you've never dumped booze in a glass of something else before. The reason that only you can serve the eggnogs is... alcohol regulation. You are the gatekeeper for holiday cheer. Someone in the family a little too "awake" for your liking? Chatty, perhaps? Someone letting the seasonal stress get to them? You get the picture. Pay close attention to your surroundings and adjust your pours in order to optimize the eggnog's special powers. Take this job very seriously, for any family holiday "incidents" could ultimately be traced back to you. Here's how to make it:

-Fill short glass 3/4 with cubed ice
-Pour 1-2 shots of rum over ice (more or less depending on circumstances)
-Fill rest of glass with store bought eggnog
-Shake well (preferably in nice stainless steel martini shaker, if not use a plastic cup
-Pour mix back into short glass
-Top with dash of nutmeg
-Serve

Special Eggnog (or Castro's) are best served in the morning. They can be a nice treat at night, but be careful if everybody's watching a movie, cause most of your guests will fall asleep after a nighttime nog. Good luck with your special eggnog and Happy Holidays.

Next, The Undaground Movie Review of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Third Person

I'm new to the blogosphere. In fact, that's the first time I've ever used the word "blogosphere". Anyway, at this point, I don't think anybody has actually read my blog. I haven't really given anybody a reason to read yet. That's coming. There's a creative storm brewing inside and this time, I don't think it's just gas. Nonetheless, if anybody has stumbled upon this prehistoric creation, I have a few things to say.

First, and most importantly, I would like to apologize for my use of third person in my last post. Introducing an animal and learning to post a photo is not monumental enough to resort to writing in third person. I have officially checked my ego at the door and will only refer to myself as "I" or "me" from here on out. I may work in a "we" every once in awhile, but you will not see a third person post unless I have a good reason.

Next, if you have found yourself here by some fender bender on the information superhighway, don't leave. I mean, you can close the window but come back often. I don't know what you stand to gain from it, but I imagine that before long you'll find something worth your while. This blog will be a wonderful creative outlet for me. What if it becomes something very special? Did you ever see Walt Disney's first film?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plane_Crazy
It was a far cry from Fantasia, but those who were inspired enough to check out Walt's new material were handsomely rewarded. They were also able to say, "I knew this guy was gonna be special when I saw Plane Crazy".

Next, I'll share with you how to make a great holiday eggnog. Nothing says Christmas like getting liquored up before noon.

Bear with me

This is The Undaground's faithful companion from the animal world. Her name is Wrigley. She's named after the field, not the building or the gum, but I guess it's all the same people. Wrigley is incredibly annoying, yet worships The Undaground and thinks he is the greatest thing since ropes with tennis balls attached to them.

The purpose of introducing Wrigley, was really to see if I could post a picture. Looks like it worked.

What I did today

Greetings, loyal readers. Today, I started a blog.