My Living Will

It's something we don't like to talk about, yet we must prepare. Looking back over 2005, Terry Schiavo's death was an event that got people talking about how they'd like to be treated in the same situation. Lesson learned. I've already expressed some of my feelings on this subject to Mrs. Undaground, but I don't want there to be any confusion so I've decided to post it on my blog.

First, if my story somehow becomes newsworthy, make sure that you release a good picture of me to the media. Back in 2002, I was getting my haircut and the lady snipped my widow's peak off. I always thought it made me look a little like a vampire, so I was glad to see it go. For this reason, please use a photo taken after 2002. During the Summer of 2004, I had some pretty good hair days so you might want to look there for a good photo. I have a problem smiling properly for posed pictures, so if you can find a candid shot where it looks like I'm a fun guy, let's use that one. Please stick to still photographs and not video clips. I can't stand the way my voice sounds on tape. Thanks.

I was struck by the movie Million Dollar Baby, which also addressed these issues. I don't plan to get in the ring with any professional female boxers anytime soon, so that lowers my risk. What really bugged me about that movie was the silence in her hospital room. Maybe she wouldn't have been so depressed if somebody played some music, or put the television on. Silence is fine from 11pm to 8am, but please provide some entertainment during other dayparts. Bouncy, happy music would be cool. I like the blues, but I'm not sure I'd be in the mood. Also, if there's a West Virginia game on TV, I don't want to miss it. I know I get a little upset when they lose, so go ahead and turn it off if we ever fall behind by more than 21 points.

You might remember the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby faked an illness and Joe Namath came to visit him. I'm not expecting such a high-profile celebrity, but somebody would be nice. Speaking of the Brady Bunch, Florence Henderson would suffice. Any celebrity would work. No Jared from Subway, though. I can't stand that guy.

I don't know much about feeding tubes, so I'm not sure if this is even possible, but I'll put it here anyway in case they get more advanced technology. I believe that parmesan cheese makes almost everything better. If the hospital can't help with this, maybe you can find some custom gourmet bags at a medical supply shop. As always, please follow the following guidelines for feedings: mustard for pork, mayo for poultry, ketchup or horseradish sauce for beef. I realize that this is common knowledge among my loved ones, but I just want to document it so there's no confusion. Oh, and the house dressing is fine with me.

Flowers are nice, too. Mrs. Undaground likes sunflowers so let's go with those. Keep in mind that I'm allergic to pollen and cats, so let's not go overboard on the flowers and it's probably best not to send any cats (I think the postal service frowns on this anyway).

Finally, if there's a plug, I want a surge protector. I also want somebody hired to guard the wall outlet. A mall security guard would be good, or the guy who checks the receipts at Costco.

I'm sorry if I alarmed anyone. I'm still of sound mind and sound body, with the exception of some lower back pain.