Good Monday Morning

Super Bowl Halftime Show

It's been announced that the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince will be performing at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. Given all the fallout from the Janet Jackson controversy, I'm hoping he leaves his assless pants at home.

Jelly Belly Etiquette

A lot of discussion about Jelly Belly jelly beans at the Undaground house this weekend. Costco has four-pound buckets of these delectable treats, so they've become a regular fixture on the coffee table. Here are some ground rules for jelly belly eating at our house, in case you visit our living room any time soon:

• You may take as many jelly beans as you'd like, but you are responsible for what you take.
• The joy of jelly bellies is variety, so there is no visual inspecting allowed before you reach into the jar. Don't just scan the top layer of beans for caramel flavor and then pick it out, leaving more of the crappy black licorice ones for me (You know who you are Mrs. U). If you end up with "rotting peach", and you aren't fond of that flavor, it's up to you to eat it, throw it away, or transfer possession to somebody who likes rotten peaches.
• Please decide right away if you'd like to offer me a "caffe latte" jelly bean because you don't like light- brown colored jelly beans (what are you, a racist?). Don't make this decision after it has been clenched in your jellybean grabbing fist for a few minutes. This alters the chemical makeup of the candy, and may change the flavor from "cafe latte" to "sweaty cup of old coffee".
• Visual scanning and picking is allowed if you are trying to create a mixed-flavor, like those pictured on the packaging. They say that one popcorn jelly bean and two blueberry jelly beans tastes like a blueberry muffin. If you'd like to try to create a combination, I won't rob you of that privilege. Just don't abuse it.
• These are not traditional Easter jelly beans. They are not designed to be eaten in bunches without first consulting the flavor chart. If you do this, you do so at your own risk. You could end up with a mouthful of coffee flavored fruit punch with popcorn and beef wellington in it. You've been warned. We do have ginger ale, and other homeopathic remedies for nausea, but if you vomit on the microfiber, you will be billed for the cleanup (unless you're an infant with an underdeveloped digestive system or a cat -- because cats don't have any access to cash).

TGIFridays

Has anybody had the fried macaroni and cheese appetizer. Whoa! I'm not sure of the nutritional value but it's quite good and I'd be remiss in not mentioning it here. Do yourself a favor and try it. It's like a party in my mouth. In case anybody's wondering, the responsible eating program I was sticking to is on hiatus and is scheduled to return sometime around January 2nd. Until then, I'll be over here trying to fit my enormous face through the neckhole of my Christmas sweater. Bon Appetit!

Seen While Driving

I was driving to my softball game on Sunday morning, and I passed two teenaged girls who were standing in the median of the road. They were both wearing extremely short shorts and bikini tops. I would guess they were about 14 or 15-years-old. They were holding signs that said "Feeling Dirty?" As I sat at the light, they yelled over at me and the other drivers waiting for green. "Hey! Feeling Dirty?" I can only assume they were advertising for some sort of car wash, but I couldn't confirm this, since I didn't answer their question. Truth is, I wasn't feeling dirty; I was feeling thankful. I'd just like to take this moment to thank God that we had a boy. (Although I don't think I'd want him to be standing in the middle of the road in a bikini either).