Movie Villain Makeover

Yes, it only took 6 posts before I resorted to a "Makeover Show". I'm happy to report that Tyra Banks used the makeover crutch in her first show, and look how well she's doing.

The more I thought about the Harry Potter movie, the more I thought Voldemort was a weak villain. Sure, they're setting him up for the next movie, but how about leaving us a little frightened? He barely managed to hold his own against a teenaged wizard who is still in wizard school. Yes, the absence of a nose is scary, but scary in a third nipple kind of way. I want Darth Vader scary. We recently learned that Darth Vader had no arms and legs. Did he just go about his day, trying to be a villain from a hospital bed? No, he got scary mechanical limbs and learned to talk like James Earl Jones. But we can't expect Voldemort to outperform Darth Vader, who is widely regarded as the greatest movie villain of all-time. Let's lower the bar a little and set some attainable goals before Harry Potter 5 is shot. First, let's take one more look at the old Voldemort:

To make Voldemort over, we will look no further than the great decade of the 1980's, and some spectacular villains that any movie would be proud of.

THE HAIR
"Okay... okay... you've stated your position clearly, now I'm gonna state mine: GET IN THE F***ING CAR, NOW!"
Keifer Sutherland as Ace (Stand by Me): Long before he was saving the world each year by staying awake all night and fighting terrorists, Keifer Sutherland was sporting some totally awesome 80's movie villain hair.

THE NOSE
"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong"
Jerry Orbach as Dr. Jake Houseman (Dirty Dancing): Dr. Houseman just wanted the best for his child, and here's this Johnny Castle guy who no doubt victimizes another young girl each summer. He dad to the nerve to tell her own father that "Nobody puts Baby in a corner". If she was my daughter, I don't think I could be so calm, yet somehow he's the villain in this movie. Voldemort could learn a thing or two about subtlety from Orbach. First and foremost, he needs a nose, and Orbach's schnoz should fit him just right.

THE CLOTHES
"You can't win. You know that, don't you? It doesn't matter if you whip us, you'll still be where you were before, at the bottom. And we'll still be the lucky ones at the top with all the breaks. "
Darren Dalton as Randy Anderson(The Outsiders): Who else other than a kid from the right side of the tracks could pull off a stylish sweater at a rumble? Yes, the greasers got all the glory, mostly because of their brat pack-laden performances. If this story had been told from the soc's perspective, "Let's do it for Johnny" would have probably been a line in The Karate Kid, cause Johnny's friends would do it for Johnny.

THE POSSE
"STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR."
William Zabka as Johnny Lawrence (Karate Kid): Johnny had some loyal friends; Voldemort needs to do better in this area. Even after Johnny got his ass kicked by Mr. Myagi, his friends from the Cobra Kai stuck by him. One of them even went after Daniel LaRusso's knee knowing he'd get himself disqualified. He was just trying to give Johnny a better chance to win. And can anyone honestly say they've cheered on a friend as energetically as the Cobra Kai who popped an artery screaming "Get him the body bag!" just before Johnny's chin fell victim to the crane technique?

ONE MORE THING
One more thing and the makeover is complete. For this, we don't need to travel back to the 80's. A trip to any drugstore should do the trick.

By borrowing from some of the 80's top villains, Voldemort is ready for Harry Potter 5. Maybe now he can be a more formidable opponent for Harry and the gang.