I may be cured

About a week ago, it was brought to my attention by Mrs. Undaground, that I may have a snoring problem. She's a heavy sleeper, so it's never been an issue before. However, this time she was reading a book and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I was sleeping on my back and she told me that a few times it sounded like I stopped breathing, then woke myself up, then grunted and went back to sleep. I have no recollection of any of this. How long has this been going on? It it the holiday pounds? Have I been snoring myself to near-death for years and I'm just now finding out?

I read all about sleep apnea, and for a short time one morning I was convinced that I was close to the end. I was thinking about what music I wanted played at my funeral. This is nothing to be alarmed about, because a sore throat or a skinned knee will usually lead me to the same thing. I guess I'm at that age. Sleep apnea is serious business, and the only treatment I'm aware of looks like this:

I don't want to wear one of those. His bed sheets are kind of cool and trendy-looking though.

I decided I needed to find an over-the-counter remedy. I went to CVS and bought Breathe-Right strips for the nose and Breathe-Right spray for the throat. Without submitting to a medically-sponsored sleep study, I couldn't pinpoint whether I'm a nose or a throat snorer. Apparently, there's a difference. For two nights now, I have made the anti-snoring preps part of my nightly routine (right after fluffing the body pillow and right before removing the fuzzy slippers). The whole process only takes a minute, and it could possibly be saving my life. Up until now, I've only seen some professional football players wearing the nose strips, so I have to be careful not to arm tackle Mrs. Undaground when I run out of the tunnel, er bathroom.

I'm incredibly happy to report that I have not snored for two nights, according to my wife. I might make it through this one.

For the record, Mrs. Undagrounds snores are very quiet and ladylike and certainly not life-threatening.