The State of the Undaground Address

State of the Undaground

Thank you very much, Mr. Speaker, Mrs. Undaground, Mr. McFeeley, Mr. Softee, Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick, members of Congress, distinguished guests, sloppily dressed guests, fellow citizens.

As we gather today our nation is at war, terrorists are still causing trouble across the oceans and threatening our own homeland, the medical community is worried about something called the bird flu, and for some ungodly reason, Jared from Subway is still a celebrity, yet the state of the Undaground has never been stronger (Applause).

On the domestic front, the Undaground is proud to report that things are excellent. The sock drawer may not always be a perfect community of rolled pairs of footwear, but today, as I address you in this virtual chamber, I proudly wear two matching black socks, with the elastic still perfectly stretchy and the soles devoid of any compromised thread. (Applause)

The painting of the kitchen at the Undaground residence is now officially done. With every brushstroke, we're reminded that, like Frank the Tank in Old School, this is life. Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond are no longer just large parking lots on the way to Arby's. They are life, and life is grand. (Applause)

The yard is still a bit underdeveloped since Hurricane Wilma. Who knew the namesake of a beloved Flinstones character would leave such an imprint on the tropical landscape of South Florida. Wilma will forever be a powerful reminder of nature's fury, and a cavewoman whose hairstyle was way before its time. We will persevere, just as we did when NBC cancelled "Ed". We will rise up, just like we did when we had to be at the airport at 6am. We will rebuild, just like we did when the dog knocked over our double decker turkey club sandwich. (Applause)

The oil situation is strong as well. We currently have an entire liter of vegetable oil, and two, yes that's right, two bottles of extra-virgin olive oil. And there are reserves. The Undaground is self-sufficient for the first time when it comes to oil. Even in the worst case scenario, the Undaground has a can of fat-free, non-stick Pam. (Applause)

Transportation is where we face some of our greatest challenges. The baggage claim reform plan that I've laid out before the general public is slow to take hold. Exit rows are harder to come by as selfish old ladies with short legs arrive at the airport 4 hours before their flight to request them. Not only does this mean an uncomfortable trip for the Undaground; this means in the event of an emergency we're counting on a woman who missed so bad with the lipstick that there's actually some behind her ear. I propose stricter standards for sitting in exit rows. Little old ladies that claim they can lift 45 pounds should have to prove it. Exit row passengers should have to earn their spot, through competitive feats of strength performed at the airport. These are peoples' lives we're talking about, and peoples' lives are precious. (Applause)

With advances in technology, our lives have been greatly enhanced. The iPod has been like a small, shiny, melodic child to Mrs. Undaground and me. With 2007 in front of us, like a little mouth to feed, we have plenty of gigabytes to fill. Sirius satellite radio is tremendous. Some people still laugh at the thought of paying for radio, but they ought to consider the bottled water in their hand, and remember fondly the days when they laughed at the thought of paying for that. Tivo remains the ultimate tool for marital bliss. Pausing live television is great. Pausing live television in the middle of a football game to allow your wife to comment on her reading of "Memoirs of a Geisha", that's love. As I stand before you today, I vow to pull the trigger on television. Mark my words and read my lips. We will have a large-screen television before the first football is kicked off in the Fall of 07. (Applause)

May the Steelers win the Super Bowl. (Applause)

Let's pay teachers more money. (Applause)

Let's watch Survivor's new season, Thursdays at 8pm on CBS. (Applause)

Steadfast in our purpose, we now press on. We have known freedom's price. We have shown freedom's power. And in this great conflict, my fellow Americans, we will see freedom's victory.

God Bless Al Roker, and God Bless America.