Bonus Yard

We are currently enjoying a backyard on borrowed time. We have a beautiful pool, fruit trees, a fire pit, a lush lawn and a lot of privacy. Unfortunately, none of it is ours. Our property ends about 10 feet past our back porch. Since last June, we have enjoyed a "bonus yard" because of circumstances. Now, we can only wait, and root against a real estate sale like it was a sporting event.

The couple that sold us our house also owns the lot behind it; it was their backyard. The lot has been on the market for ten months now, and nobody has figured out how to buy it and build on it. The pool is large enough so that it would be difficult to squeeze a house on the property. My wife and I know that someday, somebody will crack the code and buy the property. When that happens, our bonus yard will be nothing more than new neighbors invading our personal space.

Hidden in this whole situation is a bittersweet irony. Anybody who is interested in the property normally parks in our driveway and knocks on our door. Mrs. Undaground and I have worked up some pretty devious plans to thwart the sale. Personally, I'm inspired by the Brady Bunch episode where the kids haunt their own house to keep their parents from selling.

Our dog Wrigley is extremely friendly and welcoming. If our home was ever broken into, she'd probably show them where we hide the jewelry. That doesn't mean we can't portray her as a vicious killer. When a prospective buyer knocks, all we have to do is hold her back and say, "Just be careful. She hasn't bitten anyone since January, but that doesn't make her sane. We rescued her from the dogfighting circuit. Anytime she sees people adjacent to our property, she attacks."

We've also kicked around the idea of me standing naked in front of the big window in the kitchen that looks out over the backyard. I'm not a big fan of gratuitous nudity, but I might take one for the team here. If they don't seem phased by it, I could walk out on the back porch and ask them if they need a hand identifying any of the wildlife in the area.

The other thing we've discussed is just good old-fashioned rude behavior.

"Hi, we're here to see the backyard."

"Go around to the other street. It's not ours, and frankly, we don't want you here."

"But can you tell us anything about it."

"Yes, I can. If you buy it, I will spend every waking hour making you regret it. I will rise every morning at 4 A-M, stand on the edge of my property, and crow like a six-foot rooster. I will buy a drum set and learn how to play them on my back porch. Then, I will start a band that plays on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at midnight. We will only do songs by Poison, and we will not do them well. I will knock on your door three times a day asking to borrow a stick of butter. If you don't give me butter I will relieve myself on your front door. I will poke around your back window with my remote control and change the channels on your television. I will buy a wolverine. I will set off fireworks on every Independence Day. There are a lot of countries who've gained independence, you know. Now go away before I do something my parole officer will get fired for."

I've practiced the speech hundreds of times.

Saturday, we got a knock on the door from some people interested in poking around our bonus yard.

I answered the door, fully clothed.

"Oh, don't worry. She won't bite. She's a very friendly dog", I said.

What was I doing?

"Well, it's not ours, but here's the phone number to the owners. Sure, take a look around and just let us know if we can answer any questions. Would you like some punch?"

I wish I had an explanation for why I turn into a nice guy when people come to take away our free backyard. I plan to keep practicing my speech, and hopefully, someday, I can properly present it.