Blog Boy

OK, dear readers, your help is needed.

Coming up with a name for the child was the easy part. Now, I need your help deciding on what to call the boy on this blog. Just as I am the Undaground and my wife is Mrs. Undaground, a nice internet-moniker would be suitable for the boy.

Get those creative juices flowing and let me hear your suggestions. Here are a few already being considered, but I'm wide open to more ideas.

-Undaling
-Mini-me
-OLTC (our little tax credit)

Now, it's your turn. If you've never commented before, now's the time.

Updates

1. The missing slipper was, indeed, under the bed. All is well.

2. The sub shop corporate offices responded: "Thank you, blah blah blah. Your comments have been forwarded to the owner of the location you visited." Sure, pass the buck to the people I was complaining about in the first place. Oh well. This will not discourage me from trying to change the world, one "contact us" form at a time.

3. I went back to Jamba Juice for more Supercharger goodness. Not sure yet if this is just a phase, or I will continue my mashed-up fruit eating ways.

Dis n Dat

Pregnancy Update
Mrs. Undaground is 24 weeks today. We're now watching the baby move on a nightly basis. He's kicking up a storm and probably doesn't realize he's got 16 weeks left to go. He has a name, but so far we're only telling people we know we will never see again in our lives. That's kind of backwards, huh? The conversations usually go like this:

"What's his name?"

"We'll tell you if you promise to never bother us again. From this day forward, we are no longer acquaintances. This will be our last conversation. OK with you?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"Very well, the name is ..."

Mixing it Up
I tried something different this morning. Instead of coffee, I went to Jamba Juice and had an Acai Supercharger. It's safe to say that I don't eat fruit as often as I should, so I figured I'd try it out. It was delicious. I don't know how the energy part will work, but I am typing about 300 words per minute right now. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They asked me my name at Jamba Juice, even though I was the only person in there. That made me a little uncomfortable, so I lied and told them my name was Kenny.

Missing Slipper
I'm missing a slipper. I've started an investigation. Here are the facts:

• My dog, despite her other bad habits, has great respect for my personal items.
• My wife strongly dislikes these slippers, partially because I've worn them in the driveway and they're definitely not for public view.
• The cats are usually only interested in small, woodland creatures. Also, they have an alibi. At the time, they were busy shedding.

So, right now, the only suspect is my wife. She has a motive, but she also has a high moral code, so I'm not sure she's capable of such a crime. I haven't mustered the strength to look under the bed yet, but perhaps a Jamba Juice energy boost will take care of that.

Contact Us... Don't mind if I do.

Once again, to exercise my rights as a consumer, I am filling out a "Contact Us" form. This time, it's a sub-shop. I will remove the name to protect the franchise owners out there who do a better job than this particular one. As always, I will let you know if I hear back from them.

Dear Customer Care,

My wife and I both spent a significant portion of our lives in New Jersey. Your restaurant has always been a treat for us.

For a few years, we exclusively visited your franchise in the Village Commons Shopping Center. We have had nothing but positive experiences there. It's still the best cheesesteak I can find here in South Florida.

Unfortunately, whomever purchased your franchise in the "Shops of Boynton" is besmirching your good name and doing your brand and its customers a great disservice.

Last night, we stopped at this particular location to order a Philly Cheesesteak and a Chicken Philly. We were on the way to an appointment, so we had to eat in the restaurant.

The first disappointment is that they were out of white bread. All they had was wheat bread. That kind of defeats the purpose for me when ordering a cheesesteak. I generally associate wheat bread with foods not quite as delicious as cheesesteaks.

There were four people working in the store at the time. One was making the sandwiches, taking orders, ringing people up, and taking care of some obvious pressing personal business on her cell phone.

Another employee seemed to have one purpose: to take the completed sandwich and wrap it in paper. I can't really criticize her performance, because she was able to properly wrap each sandwich in paper, but it did seem a bit inefficient to me to have such a laser-focused specialist working on this one task while other customers waited for their various sandwiches on wheat bread.

The other two employees were just shuffling around in the back the whole time. One had a broom. The floors were pretty clean, but I guess I would have traded some floor debris for some fresh-baked white bread on the premises.

As the woman made the sandwiches, she chatted on her cell phone the whole time. At one point, the sandwich-wrapper showed her versatility by actually holding the phone to her coworker's ear for her while she prepared our dinner. At other times, her plastic-gloved hand was buried in her hair, holding the phone with the same hand that would soon touch the same food that would go into our mouths.

Once we had our sandwiches, after a very long wait, I asked for ketchup to enhance the cheesesteak and mask the taste of the wheat bread.

They were out of ketchup.

I heard the customer behind me ask for soup, right about the same time I realized I was going to eat a ketchup-less cheesesteak on wheat bread. You guessed it... they were out of soup.

Maybe one of the three remaining employees could have run to the store at some point during this night. Considering it was Monday and there were only 2 or 3 other customers in the store, I can't imagine when this huge rush occured that depleted all of these necessary supplies.

I've eaten more cheesesteaks in my life than I'd care to admit. Sadly, this was the single worst experience I've had, and that includes Steak-Ums.

As I mentioned before, this has always been a treat for us, but I'm sorry to say that we won't be subjecting ourselves to this "treat" again.

Sincerely,
The Undaground

Back from the Ranch

Mrs. Undaground and I visited our good friends on the west coast of Florida this weekend.

They have just purchased a beautiful 6-acre ranch. It seems that when you buy a ranch, you need to name it. I've suggested "Hidden Valley", because I think it has a nice ring to it. I'm not sure they like it, though.

It seems they were also given a housewarming gift: a pot belly pig. The piglet is about 8-weeks old and is very cute. I'm not 100% sure the cuteness will last. I believe that every species is cute at 8-weeks old.

First and foremost, a pot belly pig seems to be a great conversation piece. We were able to sit and stare at the pig for awhile, just like people sit and stare at a new baby. Watching a piglet eat a piece of watermelon is more fun than I ever imagined.

I did feel a little self-conscious eating in front of him. We had a pork loin on Friday night and bacon on Saturday morning. He didn't seem to mind, but I was careful not to offer him any, because that would be really mean.

Now that they have a ranch, I'm hoping they can acquire all of the characters from Winnie-the-Pooh. We'll bring the little boy if they'd just get a bear, a donkey and a tiger. I'm not sure that they'll all get along, like in the books, but it would make for some great photos. I did take some photos of the pig, and I'll post one as soon as I load them into the computer.

Oil Change

I went to Jiffy Lube yesterday and asked for an oil change and a new air filter (it had been awhile). While they worked on my car, I knew that moment was coming where they would tell me my vehicle is falling apart and I need them to flush the engine, give me a transmission transfusion, and all the other mythical car repairs I don't really need. Once, they told me they have a unicorn that gargles power steering fluid. "See this liquid? It's pea green. It should be mint chocolate chip green with a hint of lime Gatorade. I don't want to push you, but if you don't buy the unicorn, you might find yourself in a fiery wreck. Don't say I didn't warn you."

As I mindlessly paged through Parents magazine in the waiting room, I was formulating my response to their sales pitch. Hmmm. Should I act like a crazy guy and scare the hell out of them, or should I pretend like I have Tourettes? Maybe I should just act like I'm a mechanic that's too lazy to do my own oil change. "No, that's OK, I'll flush my own transmission when I tweak the flux capacitor. I think I have a unicorn lying around in my own shop. I picked one up on eBay from a guy in Middle Earth."

The guy called me into the garage and said, "We changed the oil and you need a new air filter, but other than that, everything looks good."

Whoa.

I was all prepared to stick to my guns and say "no thanks" to all the extra crap. They didn't even ask me.

Is it weird that I'm a little disappointed? Or maybe I'm just a sucker for getting an air filter.

By the way, you don't need an oil change every 3000 miles. Read your owner's manual. I'm serious. Here's what Consumer Reports says about that:

Myth: Engine oil should be changed every 3,000 miles.

Reality: Although oil companies and quick-lube shops like to promote this idea, it's usually not necessary. Go by the recommended oil-change schedule in your vehicle's owner's manual. Most vehicles driven under normal conditions can go 7,500 miles or more between oil changes. Some models now come with a monitoring system that alerts the driver when the oil needs changing. Depending on driving conditions, these can extend change intervals to 10,000 or 15,000 miles.

35 Fun Facts about the Undaground

1. On days when my wife is off of work, I wake up at 6:38 (6:20 and two snooze buttons).

2. I have stood in the eye of two hurricanes. My home has been damaged by three.

3. It takes only one of me to change a lightbulb.

4. I graduated high school with a mullet.

5. I wore a Batman cape everyday for a year in the mid-70's.

6. I am 6' 4 1/2, but I round down to 6' 4. My wife is 5' 1 and 1/2 but rounds up to 5' 2.

7. I believe the two funniest people on the planet are Larry David and Ricky Gervais.

8. I don't speak to people on airplanes, not even my wife.

9. I despise group participation, but will make a fool of myself publicly if it's my idea.

10. I have sung "The Weight" by The Band at a wedding, two New Years Eve parties and an open-mic night.

11. I drink Jack Daniels at weddings, New Years Eve parties and open-mic nights.

12. I might be a speed reader. I need two books for a round-trip flight (or one really big book).

13. I have lived in 9 different states.

14. I have two Tivo lines in the living room and one in the bedroom.

15. On Tuesdays in January, I tivo American Idol, Scrubs, The Amazing Race, The Real World and David Letterman.

16. I have watched every season of the Real World, except for Philadelphia.

17. I grew up a half hour from Philadelphia.

18. When I was 5 years old, my phone number was 586-0608.

19. When I was in high school, my phone number was ANT-FARM.

20. I bought my first car for $450, then fell asleep at the wheel and totalled it 5 months later.

21. I will never fall asleep at the wheel again.

22. I drink Coors Light because I took a blindfolded taste test to determine my favorite domestic, light beer.

23. I could dunk a basketball fifty pounds ago.

24. I eat, write and brush my teeth with my left hand. For everything else I'm right-handed.

25. I have to have my toll money ready miles before I reach the toll.

26. When I see a bee, I run away like a little girl.

27. I can believe it's not butter.

28. I once let my cousin cut my hair and she went a little too short.

29. I took karate classes for a year after I saw Karate Kid and walked away from the sport after earning a purple belt.

30. Bryant Gumbel hit on my wife right in front of me.

31. I could definitely kick Bryant Gumbel's ass, but chose not to because I learned that karate is only for self-defense.

32. When we win the lottery, I'll buy a restaurant/bar, hire a good manager and hang out there.

33. I always say "When we win the lottery...", but we never play the lottery.

34. Our wedding song was "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison.

35. I love parmesan cheese and I love artichokes. A few weeks ago I ordered Parmesan Artichoke soup at a restaurant. I don't have the vocabulary to tell you how good Parmesan Artichoke soup is.

Any questions?

Kibbles and Bits

Pregnancy Update
Mrs. Undaground is 23 weeks pregnant today. No major milestones, according to the experts. The baby weighs about a pound and the bones of the inner ear are starting to develop. Soon, those bones will come in handy to hold iPod earbuds in place. We've actually seen the movement now in my wife's belly. Apparently, it's still a pretty roomy womb, so the baby is taking full advantage by beating the hell out of Mrs. U's bladder and other internal organs.

Goo Gone
Trying to remove decals from a car or mini-van? Try Goo Gone. It's available at Office Depot. We have our new (used) van, but we need to take the rest of the glue off from the decals. This stuff seems to work very well. Apparently, it's also handy when removing stickers from frames, CD covers, etc. I'm not sure if it works when you superglue your fingers together, so you may want to take caution when doing that.

Reality TV
I know I said I was done with Last Comic Standing, but I watched it again. There's just not that much on these days. Tuesday's show wasn't bad. I guess I'm rooting for the guy who looks like Willy Wonka. He seems to be the funniest. If you're not watching Hell's Kitchen on Mondays, "Move Your Ass" and give it a try. Soon, Rock Star will be back on TV. Last year, they found a singer for INXS; this year it's some supergroup called Supernova.

Basketball
The Miami Heat won the NBA Championship last night. For the first time since the late 70's, I went an entire season without watching an NBA game in its entirety. Someone once told me that married men sacrifice interest in one sport for each child born. Professional basketball is first. (I'm not letting go of college basketball, though.)

Better than OK

Funny things Mrs. Undaground asked me last night:

"I'm going to make a casserole. Is that OK?"

"I left you the last brownie. Do you want it?"

Clearly, the obvious answer to both questions is a question:

"Does a bear sh*t in the woods?"

Stranger in a strange land

I really had no problem getting along fine in Texas. Oddly enough, the only time I felt like I was out of my element was... in Starbucks. Hundreds of miles away my own coffee-maker, I found myself stuck in a foreign land without the Starbucks-American dictionary. I occassionally go to Starbucks now, but never for my morning coffee. Usually, it's a mid-afternoon thing or an airport thing and I just order a frappucino or some other treat. On the few occassions where I've actually gotten coffee there, I've been able to work through it with the clerk and just figure it out using a series of hand gestures and some basic hieroglyphics. In this case, though, the line was very long and moving very quickly. There was no time for me to ask questions. I felt surrounded by folks who knew how to order. If I wanted a tutorial, the weekday morning in the center of a business district in downtown Fort Worth was not the place to learn. I'd have to get it right. Thursday morning, I was a stranger in a strange land.

OK. The line's moving now. I just want a large coffee with cream and sugar. I don't see that on the list. I don't know how to order it. Do they even put the cream and sugar in the coffee here? They must, right? Why is this so intimidating? The line's moving fast. Why am I the only one who's confused by this? Did all these people take a class or something? Did they find some Starbucks Yoda to explain it all to them? Is there a manual? They should put a sign on the wall with instructions how to order.

At Dunkin Donuts, I just have to say "Large coffee, cream and sugar." What happens if I just say that here? Do I get escorted out? Will I be pelted with flavored coffee beans? Maybe someone will correct me. I'm not gonna say it. It's not right. I wouldn't order a Big Mac at Burger King. I need to conform.

Let's see. Tall has to mean small. It's the cheapest. Does tall mean small in some other language? Why not pequeno, or something with "ita" on the end of the word. Grande. That means big in Spanish. Wait, this is Italian. That must mean medium in Italian. I should look that up. That doesn't seem right. Venti. That's a size? Venti. OK. I want venti. Is it enough if I just say venti with cream and sugar?

Should I ask the lady in front of me? She looks like she knows what she wants. She doesn't look like this whole process is worrying her. Maybe she pays $5 every day for coffee.

What are all these flavors? Pumpkin? Summer Harvest? I just want coffee. What's this? Caffe Mocha? I know mocha means chocolate. I can do chocolate. I won't need to figure out how to order sugar. OK. Caffe Mocha it is.

Now what? It's almost my turn. Ooops. The lady in front of me ordered. I didn't make that out. What did she say? I heard "skim". I didn't hear a size. I was zoning. I should have paid attention. Now what do I say? This feels like the soup nazi. Is it "caffe mocha venti" or "venti caffe mocha"? Do I need to say anything else? I need to look this stuff up on the internet. OK. Here we go.

"Yes, I'd like a caffe mocha... venti, please."

"One venti caffe moca. Anything else?"

"A slice of tall poundcake lemon".

Tall poundcake lemon? What the hell is that? I'm gonna get kicked out of here. I wonder if there's a Dunkin Donuts around here. I should have just made coffee in my hotel room.

They know. They know I don't know what I'm doing. Now I know they know I don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if they know I know they know I don't know what I'm doing.

I guess I go stand over here now. What's this? Whipped cream? I can't walk down the street at 8 in the morning with dessert. I just wanted a large coffee with cream and sugar. Somehow now, I've got a piece of cake and a chocolate milkshake.

Anybody know how to order a large coffee with cream and sugar? I know the venti part. How do I say the rest?

More Travel

I'm leaving town again; this time on a business trip to Fort Worth. There will be no Undaground on Thursday or Friday, but please feel free to look around the archives for anything that you may have missed over the last six months.

Someday, I'll have a laptop so I can access the Undaground from my remote locations. Live blogging from Gayapalooza would have been divine.

I wanted my mother to guest-blog after her successful contribution to my birthday post. Unfortunately, she is out of town as well. For all of her fans out there, I think there will be a few days in July when the Undaground Mom will make an appearance.

As for the pregnancy update, Mrs. U is 22 weeks pregnant today. I'm now feeling kicks on a regular basis. We've watched enough of the TLC "A Baby Story" show. Now, we've moved on to "Bringing Home Baby". It seems like a natural progression when it comes to television viewing.

I've watched the first few rounds of "Last Comic Standing". I think I'm done with that show, based on their 12 finalists. I don't know if you've seen this or not. The first few weeks are auditions, followed by a big comedy show where they weed out all the funny people and pick the ones who aren't funny to live in the house.

I went through a drive-thru yesterday, in a moment of weakness, and ordered a value meal. My total was $5.26. In my wallet, I had a $10 and five $1's. I decided that I had enough $1 bills, so I gave the window jockey $11, hoping to get back a five-dollar-bill and some change to consolidate my chattel. Makes sense, right? Well you would have thought I gave the woman a buffalo nickel and some animal pelts. She looked at me with a big, goofy grin on her face. For a moment, I thought that strange smile was a new company initiative, then I realized something was wrong. The look she was giving me was the same look I have on my face when I'm watching a puppy with a blanket on his head. She thought I was an idiot.

"Sir, you gave me WAY too much money, ha, ha."

"Actually, I was hoping I could get a five dollar bill back since I don't have change."

"Oh, OK. Whatever you say."

Listen, drive-thru tellers of world, just input the amount you are given into the cash register and it will do the math for you. Don't try to overthink this. It's simple, really. $11 minus $5.26 equals $5.74.

I'm glad I didn't give her a penny to get quarters back, or her head might have exploded.

Cheers, I'm off to fly the friendly skies (hopefully in an exit row.)

Good Morning

Movie Idea
I have an idea for a movie. It's about a couple that gets stalked by hurricanes and other tropical disturbances. First, a bachelorette party is cut short because of a curfew after a hurricane named Frances. Then, a wedding just barely happens because of another one called Jeanne. Next, the couple's new house is damaged by some bitch named Wilma. Finally (I hope), the couple's oceanfront hotel weekend getaway is washed out by some dude named Tropical Storm Alberto.

Everywhere we go, we are chased by these things. Boy, did I feel stupid Saturday morning as we drove right into the nasty weather. We had a good time this weekend, but we were somewhat limited by the weather.

Also, we didn't check the social calendar in Key West. Saturday was "Gayapalooza". We toyed with the idea of telling people that Mrs. Undaground was a surrogate for a gay couple, but decided against it. As I said to my wife while we were walking down the street, I prefer Gayapalooza over Spring Break. Gay people are much less drunk and obnoxious than college kids. I know, because I was one of those college kids about 10 years ago. As we strolled down Duval St., I was able to point out more than one location where I had vomited in a previous life.

Ugh
This Ben Roethlisberger motorcycle crash business is horrible. I'm glad he's OK, but, as a Steelers fan, I'm a little ticked off at him for riding without a helmet. Ben, put the bike away until you retire. Now, please get healthy for the start of the season.

Margaritaville

Since we've decided to skip any real vacations this summer, Mrs. Undaground and I are going to Key West tomorrow for a little weekend getaway.

For this reason, I will not be posting on Monday.

Here's an artist's rendering of what Mrs. Undaground and I will look like in Key West (if we were South Park characters, of course). It's important to note, that my wife is holding a Virgin Colada in this photo. But make no mistake, my beer is the real thing.

Would you like to create your own South Park character? Go here.

Pregnancy Update: Week 21

As of yesterday, Mrs. Undaground is 21 weeks pregnant. Our little boy is extremely active. He reacts to music and food. As soon as my wife begins eating something, he starts flipping around or kicking. This past week, after about 50 failed attempts, I felt the baby kicking.

As for Mom, her belly now looks a lot like mine. Apparently, I'm the equivalent of 21-weeks pregnant. I realized the other night that Mrs. Undaground, over the past few months, has been slowly turning into me. Here's the evidence:

Heartburn

Grunting more often

Enjoys grunting

Belly size

Outgrowing clothes

Cravings

Frequent desire to nap

Difficulty tying shoes

Occasional back pain

Gets emotional watching reality tv

Gassy

Truth be told, the missus and I have never been closer. We understand each other better now. I fully empathize with everything that's happening to her. I imagine we're approaching the point in the pregnancy where our physical symptoms will begin to differ somewhat. Although I'm trying my best to keep up, I expect her belly growth to outpace mine over the next few months. That's probably a good thing. Also, I don't have any personal plans to start lactating.

While I'm on the subject of breasts, let me tell you about our next door neighbor. On more than one occasion, I've somehow been a party to this conversation:

Neighbor Lady: If I could give you one piece of advice, I'd tell ya to rough up those nipples or you aint gonna be able to do it.

Mrs. Undaground: (laughs) OK. You actually told me that last time we talked.

Neighbor Lady: I'm serious. Rough 'em up or you aint gonna be able to feed that kid. (Looks at me) Play with 'em or do whatchu gotta do. Get 'em good 'n rough.

Me: (nervous... OK, make a joke) Maybe I could get those clamps out of the closet.

Neighbor Lady: Whatever you gotta do, do it. Pinch 'em, scrape 'em, flick 'em, bite 'em. burn 'em, squish 'em. Now's the time. Rough 'em up!

Me: (to Mrs. Undaground) I guess you won't read this in any of your books.

Mrs. Undaground: Definitely not.

Neighbor Lady: That's right. Take it from someone who knows. Don't listen to them books. I smoked and drank for all three kids. They thought the second one was gonna be a mon-go-loid. But she turned out fine, didn't it? Rough 'em up real good!

Me: Okay. I guess we're going to keep walking now. I think I hear the phone ringing in our house. If not, then I definitely left the oven on. The dog's got to eat. There's a load in the dryer. We've got to go. Bye now.

Mrs. Undaground: Yes, thanks for the advice. We'll see you later, unless we can find an alternate dog-walking route.

Neighbor Lady: Don't forget, Rough 'em up! Hey, if you ever need a babysitter...

Shilo, When I Was Young

So, Brangelina named their child Shiloh. I'm not sure if they chose the name because, in Hebrew, it means "place of peace". Maybe they chose it because their Civil War buffs, or they may be big Neil Diamond fans. I really have mixed feelings about this name choice.

First of all, I'm very disappointed in Brangelina for not considering the teasing opportunities this name brings. As expectant parents, Mrs. Undaground and I have considered hundreds of names. One of our big goals is to limit the amount of ridicule the child may have to endure in his formative years. Hector? Sounds too much like rectum. Richard? They'll call him Dick. Trey? Well, my own grandmother has already suggested that naming the boy Trey would inevitably lead to kids calling him Shelf or Dish. So what was Brangelina thinking? Can't they see that a child named "Shiloh Pitt" will quickly become "Pile O' Shit" in the eyes of classmates? Kids get teased at private schools just as they do at public schools, even if they do stay in Namibia.

On the positive side, I've been working very hard to find some new swear words. It won't be long before my fetus can hear sounds from the outside world. With this in mind, I'm trying to find some substitutes for my go-to profanities. So far, I have Homer Simpson's "Doh!", Jerry Seinfeld's "Newman!", and now, "Shiloh Pitt!" Please feel free to suggest any others.

Humiliation

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: I love cargo pants. Give me pockets, lots of pockets. I carry a lot of chattel around, and, dammit, I need pockets. But cargo pants can be a cruel mistress.

Monday morning, I pulled my cargo pants on like any other day. As I tugged on both sides of the front of the pants, to allow the necessary clearance in order to fasten them, I marvelled at the strong little button hanging on for dear life. Just as I was appreciating the strength of the thread that served as a button-lifeline, it gave up and popped off. There's nothing quite as depressing as the unmistakeable sound of a stressed-out button bouncing away on a hardwood floor.

I lowered myself gently to ground-level and looked under the dresser. I could see it, but it was too far out of reach. Humiliated, I removed the button-less cargo pants and threw them in the corner. They are dead to me.

Wearing a pair of wrinkle-free khakis, I poured my coffee and looked over at Mrs. Undaground, who was enjoying some morning toast.

"The button fell off of my cargo pants. They're dead."

"Did you find the button?"

"It's cowering in fear under the dresser. I can't reach it."

"I can fix it."

"How? Liposuction? Do they make maternity clothes for men? I don't want to move up to the next size. It's a big, round number. I'd rather wear sweatpants at all times. I could be the sweatpants guy."

"I'll sew it back on."

"Very well, thanks."

Damned birthday cheesecake. Why do you taste so good? Is there a vegetable that tastes like cheesecake? Why not? Why is the United States Senate so concerned with a gay marriage amendment when they could be funding research to make vegetables taste like cheesecake. If I wasn't so apathetic, I'd be really pissed right now.

The Undaground Movie Review - The Break Up

Mrs. Undaground and I have been going to a few more movies recently, knowing that our time as a young, unattached, free-to-go-anywhere-whenever-we want couple is quickly coming to an end. We've been scoping out family-friendly places over the past few months. We used to just sneer at babies in restaurants, now we coo.

The Break-Up is an OK movie. Unless you're like us, and trying to soak up every last bit of childless activity, you should probably wait for the video on this one. There were a few laughs. Since Swingers, I have always found humor in Vince Vaughn's verbal acrobatics. Jon Favreau, as usual, is very funny.

The funniest part of the film experience didn't have anything to do with the movie at all. There was a scene with very loud music that ended abruptly. Sometime toward the end of that scene, the guy a few seats down from us made the decision that it was OK to fart. By the time his brain communicated with his body, and he did the deed, the scene had gone quiet. About 1/2 second after the music ended and the theater was silent, that's when it happened. Mrs. Undaground and I suffered through a case of the giggles for a few moments, until someone in the movie made a joke and we were able to laugh loudly and freely (even though the joke wasn't very funny). After the movie, we were trying to figure out whether he was on a first date or not. Of course, I am showing some gender bias here by assuming it was the guy who farted. For all we know, it could have been his date.

There was a point toward the end of the movie, when Mrs. Undaground cried. Sometimes, this response will speak to the emotional content of a film and how well it connected with the audience. I'm not sure if this is the case. To put it in perspective, she also cried during a muffler commercial this weekend, so take it with a grain of salt.

Guys, if you plan to take your wife/girlfriend to see this movie, it's a good idea to help with the dishes beforehand. If you plan to see this movie, do something around the house that will resonate for at least a few hours. You don't want to be compared unfavorably to Vince Vaughn's character. Any relationship on the brink could suffer if you view this movie together.

Undaground movie review for "The Break-Up" 3.5 out of 5 taquitos

Stuff

Contact Us Update
The taquito people responded within a few hours. They have offered to pay for our next taquito purchase. I'm a little disappointed that they haven't agreed to go back to the drawing board on the beef flavor. Instead, they seem to think it was a bad batch or something.
We are very sorry that occurred. We will be happy to send you a refund for your next purchase. We will need the UPC (barcode), Julian Code (stamped with black ink starts with 05 or 06 followed by #'s & letters) and the EST or P # (usually near the Julian Code). This information will help us find out when and where the product was made. Thank you and have a great day.

Swimming Soccer Ballet Oboe Karatay-a
We have purchased a minivan from my employer for ten dollars. Sounds like a great deal, but we do have to pay for a new transmission for it, which is somewhat pricey. Mrs. Undaground's Acura Integra is not the most carseat friendly vehicle. Now, we'll make sure our kid arrives in style to swimming, soccer, ballet, oboe and karate. I'm not really sure I want my boy going to ballet, though. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Weekend Movie
Mrs. U and I are going to see "The Break-Up" Saturday. The movie stars Vaughniston, Vinnifer, Anistaughn, or Jennivince. I haven't heard the official Hollywood couple nickname for these two yet, but I'm guessing it will be one of the four I used. If Tomkat, Brangelina and Bennifer have a nickname, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston deserve one too (depending on how this movie does).

"Contact Us"... OK.

One of the beautiful wonders of the internet is that you can offer feedback on goods and services much more easily than in the past. By simply clicking the "Contact Us" button, you can fill in the appropriate fields in the "webform" and your message is sent. No need to send in a UPC code. No need to get and envelope and stamp. No need to walk to the mailbox. It's so simple that I've decided to use it more often. Here is my first effort, sent yesterday via the world wide web:

To whom it may concern,

I am a rabid fan of your chicken taquitos. We often purchase them at Costco in packs of 30, and I can't believe that a frozen food tastes that good. In fact, it's better than good; it may be the one of the finest frozen foods I've ever had.

This past weekend, my wife picked up a 30-pack of your taquitos at Costco because we were entertaining a group of people and thought we'd impress them with our favorite frozen Mexican treat.

Unfortunately, my wife didn't realize she had picked up the beef taquitos instead of the chicken. I'm sorry to say that they were horrible. My wife thought the same thing and we threw the rest of them in the garbage. I find it hard to believe that the same company makes both products.

I see that both the chicken and the beef taquitos have won the "ChefsBest" award for taste. This only makes half-sense to me. The chicken, in my opinion, is award-winning. The beef was surprisingly awful.

Thanks for taking the time to read my comments. I will continue to purchase chicken taquitos made by your company, but wanted to make you aware, with all due respect, that the magical taste you've achieved with the chicken is, sadly, absent in the beef.

I'll let you know if I hear back from them.