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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak. Now you say "control freak who?"

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A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree
ba dum dum CHING!

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Q. how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
A. fish

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Q: What did the perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit.

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Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: LET'S RIDE BIKES!

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Two muffins are in the oven, cooking.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting really hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"

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A guy's in a bar with his friends and he's totalled. He's three drinks past drunk and as he starts to leave, his vomits all over himself.

"Oh, damn," he slurs, "my wife doesn't like me hanging out with you guys, and now I'm sloppy drunk and stinking and filthy. She's gonna kill me."

"No, no, no." His buddy says and hands him a bill. "Put this five in your pocket and tell her one of us barfed on you and gave you money for drycleaning."

The drunk's eyes light up and thanks his friend before stumbling out the door towards his house.
He arrives at home to find his wife standing at the door, waiting for him.

"Good God," she exclaims, "I don't like you hanging around with those slobs as it is, and now you come home stinking drunk and covered with your own vomit."

"No, no, no, baby, here," the man says reaching for the five in his pocket and handing it to her, "one of the guys got sick on me and gave me 5 bucks to pay for the drycleaning."

"But this is a 10," the wife says, holding it up.

"Oh, right, yeah, he also shit my pants."

***

Three friends are sitting at a bar. At one point, an older gentleman walks up to them. Looking at the one in the middle, he screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOTHER!!!" Offended, but calm, the guy shoos the older man away and shrugs it off, and continues to keep drinking.

A few minutes later, the same older man walks up again and screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOM BUT GOOD!!!" Again, the guy shrugs it off and continues to drink with his buddies.

A third time, the older guy stumbles up and screams: "I F***ED YOUR MOM IN THE ***!!!"
Finally, the guy looks at the older man and says: "Dad, go home. You're drunk."