Hypothetically speaking

Just for the sake of conversation, let's pretend I had this exchange with my wife last night:

"Honey, I think we need to cut his fingernails again. They're getting really long; like tiny little daggers."

"I noticed that, too."

"And by 'we', I mean Mommy needs to cut his fingernails. I'm deathly afraid of clipping his fingertip."

"You? I already clipped him once."

"Well, since you've already scarred him for life, there's no sense in both of us being on the list. Just in case he ever decides to resent you for it later in life, I can play the role of innocent peacemaker. I'm just a bystander in the whole finger mutilation thing."

Now hypothetically, let's assume that my overachieving, eager-to-please, textbook-version-of-a-caring-mother wife immediately began to work on this task and started to clip the boys nails. That could happen, right? Not that it did. Remember, this is all hypothetical.

Now, bear with me. In my hypothetical crazy dream world, where purple elephants fly through the air and dancing polar bears enter our home at the top of every hour to entertain my family, let's just say, while clipping his fingernails, Mrs. Undaground snipped his fingertip.

Then, let's pretend that I heard her running his hand under a faucet and repeating the words. "Mommy's sorry, Mommy loves you," over and over again.

I know it's difficult to imagine such a crazy world, but please continue to suspend disbelief.

If this were to happen (hypothetically), maybe it would take a little time for the wound to stop bleeding (even though the wound is tiny; even in comparison to his tiny finger). Maybe he's a bleeder, like his Dad. Maybe his Mom would think she really hurt him, even though he continues to smile and laugh and enjoy the running water and the extra attention he's receiving. Maybe the dog is confused and wants to know why Mommy's crying. Maybe I just want my wife to feel better about the situation after the boy has made it obvious that he is just fine. Maybe I start saying things like:

"If a clipped fingertip is the worst thing that ever happens to him...."

Maybe Mrs. Undaground starts saying things like:

"Will this show up on his fingerprints? Did I disfigure him?"

Then, after the hypothetical bleeding stops and the situation stabilizes; the baby is sleeping and Mrs. Undaground has turned the corner, maybe I ask her if it's OK for this to go on the blog. Hypothetically, of course.

In the real world, I don't ask permission to write about things on the blog. It's artistic freedom of expression. That's what we're fighting for, right?

But since we're talking about a hypothetical situation, perhaps I would be willing to sacrifice some of that freedom just to keep "family harmony" above "freedom of expression" on my handy little list of things that are important to me. Of course, I would need a reason to relay such a hypothetical story to you. My motivation would not be to embarrass Mrs. Undaground, or bring attention to my son's injured finger.

Instead, I would ask my readers for a favor. For those of you that are parents, please help my wife with this hypothetical and tell me how you've hypothetically injured your own children.

Mom, I already know what you're going to say, because I still have an imaginary scar on the bottom of my hypothetical ear from the pretend haircut you gave me when I was twelve.

Mrs. Undaground will be reading your comments. Thanks for your support (hypothetically).