Couples Showers

I heard a guy on the radio the other day, saying he had to attend a "couples shower" this weekend. "Couples shower", to me, is a phrase I dread hearing. I'm not sure when it started, but somehow, over the past few years, couples showers are popping up all over the place. I believe it started with bridal showers and then seeped into baby showers.

Men, this is something that each one of us has to do something about. Please, talk to your wives and girlfriends and ask them to stop the madness. If I don't show up to a couples shower and the rest of you do, it just makes me and Mrs. Undaground look like bad people. In order for this "resistance" to work, all of us need to refuse to attend. By the way, women of the world, if you want to trick us into attending a shower, call it a party and have it on a Friday night. Save the game-playing and gift-opening for a ladies after-party the next day.

I have a few questions for the ladies who read this blog. Perhaps you can shed some light on this disturbing trend.

Was there a meeting on this subject that I missed? Were their any men invited to the meeting? Were they given a chance to speak? Was there a vote? How is it that men are now expected to attend baby showers, yet those same men were excluded from the meeting where this was determined?

I have a pretty good idea how this conversation went down. Tell me if I'm right.

Woman #1: Order! Order! We'll have to continue our roundtable discussion about the toilet seat next time. It's time to consider the next item on our agenda: couples showers.

Woman #2: Yes! I was wondering when we were going to talk about this. Who should towel who off first in these situations?

Woman #1: No, no, silly. I'm not talking about bathing. I'm talking about bridal and baby showers.

Woman #2: Now you have my attention. Carry on, please. By the way, I love your hair today.

Woman #1: Thanks, do you really like it? I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I brought my hairdresser a picture from a magazine.

Woman #2: Oh yes. It looks good. Where do you get your hair done? No matter how hard I try, I can't get my stylist to remember me, so I'm shopping around for someone with better recognition skills.

Woman #1: I'll give you her number after the meeting. She's really good, and not that expensive. This time, it only cost me $140.

Woman #2: Thanks. That is cheap! I really like the hair. It looks like the new girl that's on the O.C., you know, the one that was wearing the red dress last night.

Woman #3: You watch the O.C.!? What happened last night? NO! Don't tell me, dontellme, dontellme, dontellme. I taped it. Just tell me if they got back together or not. No. Don't tell me. I hope they did. Did they? Don't tell me. Just tell me if I'll be happy or not.

Woman #2: I think you'll be very happy. I won't tell you, though. You have to see HOW it happens though. It's so sweet. I cried my eyes out.

Woman #3: Awwwww. I can't wait. Don't tell me.

Woman #2: OK, I won't. Where did you get those shoes, by the way?

Woman #4: I was just gonna ask the same thing. I really like them. Does that strap go... Oh, I see. It wraps around the ankle twice, then? You have to tell me where you got them.

Woman #3: You like them? I saw them and I just fell in love with them. I was at the mall because I had to buy a card for my sister. She just got rid of her glasses, and starting wearing contacts. So, you know, I wanted to get her a card at Hallmark, and maybe something little as a gift. I found a cute little pair of earrings for only $30, so I got them for her, and a pair for myself. But, when I was walking out, I saw these shoes in the window. I asked how much they were, and the guy inside said $250, but they're normally $800 so I had to get them. Here's their name on this card. I got a VIP card at the store, so if I buy 8 pairs in the next 12 months, I get a gift certificate for a champagne brunch for two.

Woman #4: Wow. I'm going to stop on the way home. Thanks. We have his company Christmas party in December, and I'm going to need some new shoes. And I also need something casual for my cousin's baby shower.

Woman #2: Oh, that's right. What about these couples showers? I'm intrigued.

Woman #1: The motion reads: "Staff recommends most bridal and baby showers now be co-ed. Women enjoy bridal and baby showers, and staff believes men should enjoy them to. Research has shown that while women are off at showers, men engage in behavior such as playing golf, watching sports on television, napping, drinking beer and scratching themselves in the nether region. To reduce the frequency of these barbaric activities, showers should now be "couples showers". Women are encouraged to direct their men to wear khakis and a sensible button-up shirt, preferably pink or sage in color. Men attending couples showers will be expected to participate in our mature, sensible games, and they will enjoy it."

Woman #3: That's amazing! A couples shower! If they refuse to attend, we can withhold sex.

Woman #4: If mine doesn't come along, I will throw his favorite t-shirt in the garbage. You know what, I'm gonna do that anyway, just to let him know I'm serious.

Woman #1: All in favor...

All Women: Aye!

Woman #1: OK, ladies. We need to wrap this up. I'm not sure when the next secret meeting will be, but, as always, we will communicate with you by embedding messages into the credits of all Sandra Bullock movies.

Woman #2: Question... Can we make bachelor parties co-ed as well?

Woman #4: Also, what about male cheerleaders in the NFL?

Woman #1: I will draft a few motions and get them on the agenda for the next meeting. Don't forget ladies, one week from today is "Passive Aggressive Thursday". Keep a journal and bring it here with you next time. If you choose not to participate, you won't be eligible to win the bottle of White Zinfandel. This meeting's adjourned.