Red Eye Reduction

I woke up yesterday morning, went to work, caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror, only to find I had bloodshot eyes. The same thing happened the night before after I got out of the shower. I don't know what it is. It's strange because they don't itch and I haven't been using drugs or alcohol or rubbing my eyes or spraying pesticide in them.

Being the amateur, unlicensed physician that I am, I quickly ran through my symptoms for a self-diagnosis. Let's see: red eyes, no itching, no fever, no congestion, no hot flashes, no cold sweats, no whooping cough, some lower back pain, voter apathy.

It's not allergies; I have no other symptoms. It's not pink-eye; they don't itch. It's not fatigue; I got plenty of sleep. It's definitely a tumor.

Shortly after discovering my condition, I attended our morning meeting with what I though was a brain tumor. I hope it says something about my character that I pressed on and tried to contribute in the workplace. At the meeting, I said something funny and everyone laughed. If I had an actual tumor, would I still be able to quickly think of something funny? I don't think so, unless the tumor is one that is actually helping me think of something funny to say, like that bad John Travolta movie where he develops telekinesis for a short time.

Visine is a temporary fix. I think it's masking the real problem. I'd like to stop thinking about it now, so writing about the subject is probably not helping.

I'm in my mid-30's now. I've been a slight hypochondriac since I turned thirty. I remember fondly the days of my yesteryear, when abnormalities and mystery illnesses and injuries were written off as puberty, or later, a product of being a more active person who sometimes engaged in binge drinking. Ahh, the wonder years. Life without a tumor was so simple.

Update: The eyes have cleared up. I stood in front of the microwave for a half-hour and I think the radiation may have shrunk the tumor. Good thing, because I'm now convinced this red mark on my arm is the result of a bite from the button spider of Southern Africa. I'm going to look for some antivenin in the spider aisle at Walgreen's.