I really had no problem getting along fine in Texas. Oddly enough, the only time I felt like I was out of my element was... in Starbucks. Hundreds of miles away my own coffee-maker, I found myself stuck in a foreign land without the Starbucks-American dictionary. I occassionally go to Starbucks now, but never for my morning coffee. Usually, it's a mid-afternoon thing or an airport thing and I just order a frappucino or some other treat. On the few occassions where I've actually gotten coffee there, I've been able to work through it with the clerk and just figure it out using a series of hand gestures and some basic hieroglyphics. In this case, though, the line was very long and moving very quickly. There was no time for me to ask questions. I felt surrounded by folks who knew how to order. If I wanted a tutorial, the weekday morning in the center of a business district in downtown Fort Worth was not the place to learn. I'd have to get it right. Thursday morning, I was a stranger in a strange land.
OK. The line's moving now. I just want a large coffee with cream and sugar. I don't see that on the list. I don't know how to order it. Do they even put the cream and sugar in the coffee here? They must, right? Why is this so intimidating? The line's moving fast. Why am I the only one who's confused by this? Did all these people take a class or something? Did they find some Starbucks Yoda to explain it all to them? Is there a manual? They should put a sign on the wall with instructions how to order.
At Dunkin Donuts, I just have to say "Large coffee, cream and sugar." What happens if I just say that here? Do I get escorted out? Will I be pelted with flavored coffee beans? Maybe someone will correct me. I'm not gonna say it. It's not right. I wouldn't order a Big Mac at Burger King. I need to conform.
Let's see. Tall has to mean small. It's the cheapest. Does tall mean small in some other language? Why not pequeno, or something with "ita" on the end of the word. Grande. That means big in Spanish. Wait, this is Italian. That must mean medium in Italian. I should look that up. That doesn't seem right. Venti. That's a size? Venti. OK. I want venti. Is it enough if I just say venti with cream and sugar?
Should I ask the lady in front of me? She looks like she knows what she wants. She doesn't look like this whole process is worrying her. Maybe she pays $5 every day for coffee.
What are all these flavors? Pumpkin? Summer Harvest? I just want coffee. What's this? Caffe Mocha? I know mocha means chocolate. I can do chocolate. I won't need to figure out how to order sugar. OK. Caffe Mocha it is.
Now what? It's almost my turn. Ooops. The lady in front of me ordered. I didn't make that out. What did she say? I heard "skim". I didn't hear a size. I was zoning. I should have paid attention. Now what do I say? This feels like the soup nazi. Is it "caffe mocha venti" or "venti caffe mocha"? Do I need to say anything else? I need to look this stuff up on the internet. OK. Here we go.
"Yes, I'd like a caffe mocha... venti, please."
"One venti caffe moca. Anything else?"
"A slice of tall poundcake lemon".
Tall poundcake lemon? What the hell is that? I'm gonna get kicked out of here. I wonder if there's a Dunkin Donuts around here. I should have just made coffee in my hotel room.
They know. They know I don't know what I'm doing. Now I know they know I don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if they know I know they know I don't know what I'm doing.
I guess I go stand over here now. What's this? Whipped cream? I can't walk down the street at 8 in the morning with dessert. I just wanted a large coffee with cream and sugar. Somehow now, I've got a piece of cake and a chocolate milkshake.
Anybody know how to order a large coffee with cream and sugar? I know the venti part. How do I say the rest?
Monday, June 19, 2006
Stranger in a strange land
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7 comments:
I checked the Starbucks website and was encouraged to see "coffee education" but disappointed that it dealt with tasting, blending and roasting as opposed to ordering. Next time try saying "uno venti cafe con leche e zucchero". McDonalds drive thru is an option but be very careful- it's hot.
I really enjoy reading your blog. I'm a friend of some fam from the sooner state. Next time you want a caffe mocha just say "venti mocha no whip" and that may be a little more coffee and less dessert. Other than that I'm just as clueless as what to order for Starbucks.
Thanks SAHM, and hello to all my peeps in the Sooner state. And by "peeps" I mean "people", not those nasty Easter marshmallow ducks.
Your peeps in the Sooner State are addicted to coffee. The following website has some definitions for you. Scroll towards the bottom for definitions of tall, etc...
http://www.starbucks.co.jp/en/latte_lingo.htm
My favorite is a tall, skinny, decaf, latte (i.e., 12oz coffee drink with some foam made from skin milk...foam is less than in a cappuccino). In the Starbucks at my place of employment (dangerous due to the payroll deduction option) there are regular coffee dispensers. I think this type of coffee is brewed and I know it is cheaper. A little island has dispensers for skim milk, half & half, 3-4 types of sugars/sweetners, 3-4 types of sprinkles, and all important spoons to scrape the foam that gets stuck on the inside of the cup when all the coffee is gone. Too much detail, I know.
OK. Thanks for the link. I know what I want at Starbucks now. My goal is to not have to add any more cream or sugar. Here it is:
Venti double non-fat vanilla caffe latte.
I have no idea if that's all in the right order, but I'll try it out sometime this week, just for fun.
I feel your pain!! I always have to eavesdrop if there's a line!
Update: I talked to a Starbucks junkie here at work.
A grande automatically gets a double shot of expresso, and a venti gets a triple.
Apparently, what I have to say to get the drink above is:
Venti non-fat latte with vanilla.
Sounds simple, but that doesn't change the fact that I needed to do three days of research to get the information.
By the way, my word verification for this comment is "tdork"
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